WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though today is Thanksgiving, it’s not a day off for everyone, especially the U.S. Armed Forces. Which is why in the early hours of this morning, the Pentagon prepared a brief for President Donald J. Trump, informing him that the country “can’t afford” to fight a two-front war, and as commander in chief he will have to decide whether to prioritize the War on Christmas or the War on Thanksgiving.
“Mr. President, while it has long been the policy of every branch of our highly venerated and formidable armed forces to not get involved in local, domestic squabbles,” the Joint Chiefs of Staff wrote to the president in a cover letter obtained by this outlet, “if you are indeed committed to waging wars defending both Christmas and Thanksgiving, we must inform you that currently we cannot afford to fight such a two-front war.”
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At one of his recent “Keep America Great” klan rallies in Florida, President Trump railed against what he believed is an assault on the word “Thanksgiving” by liberal Americans. It’s still unclear at this point in his first presidential term whether or not Trump understands that he’s technically president to people who didn’t vote for him and/or disagree with him on his policy initiatives. However, regardless of his acknowledgment that liberals are Americans like his base or not, Trump blasted progressives for their attempts to convince Americans not to say “Happy Thanksgiving” to one another.
In a statement from the Alinsky Soros Clinton Obama Coalition for the Libtardization of America, some of the country’s most powerful liberal voices denied any concerted effort to dramatically or fundamentally change how Americans celebrate Thanksgiving.
“We’re still too busy breaking into your homes at night to steal your guns, thanks to the master skeleton key former President Obama had made in his second term,” the statement reads. “Once we’ve collected all your guns, then we’re setting our sights on stripping ‘In God We Trust’ off all our currency. If, at that point we haven’t won the War on Christmas, then we’ll turn our attention there. Then, and only after we’ve vanquished the last Christmas warrior, will be begin our assault on Thanksgiving. Because as we all know, liberals hate being thankful for things, being the godless, amoral heathens we are.”
Reportedly, President Trump was extremely upset by getting word from the Pentagon that he likely cannot fight a two-front culture war. Sources within the White House say he spent much of the morning in what he calls the “Presidential Throne Room,” defecating both literally and metaphorically.
“If there’s one thing this president can do, it’s shit. He can shit all day, really,” Kellyanne Conway told reporters on the White House lawn this morning. “Whether that’s shitting literally, or shitting all over something in a more poetic sense, this man was built to shit. When he found out from the so-called military experts that he can’t just up and wage war on Thanksgiving if he wants to win the War on Christmas, it put his shitting into overdrive.”
President Trump has ordered an emergency cabinet meeting to be held tomorrow.
“I wasn’t planning on going out for Black Friday anyway,” Trump said. “Not until they call it All Colors Matter Friday, anyway. So we’ll be convening a meeting of my cabinet, and the plan is to discuss how we can go forward with the War on Thanksgiving anway. We’ll have a whole nother year to plan for it, which should let us get the drop on the far-left Nancy Pelosi Plus the Squad Bob Mueller Angry Democrat mob!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.