Town Shocked to Discover Local Pious Man Actually Just Raging Hypocrite

EL OSO GRANDE VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — A small mountain town nestled in the mountains in Southern California was rocked this week by a scandal that one local told us they “never could have seen coming.”

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On Tuesday, Phillip Fallup was observed in the town’s only gay bar, dancing and carrying on and generally having a great time. On any other day, Fallup’s nighttime activities wouldn’t be newsworthy in his local paper, much less this publication, which is one of the country’s most well-known and prestigious outlets. However, what made Phillips’ night out on the town so noteworthy is that he happens to be the pastor at Oso Valley Community Church, and has been one of his city’s most vocal opponents of LGTBQ+ equality.

In the years before a 2015 U.S. Supreme Court ruling effectively gave marriage rights to all Americans regardless of their sexual orientation, Pastor Fallup was often seen in the town’s center square, railing against marriage equality. He personally drove a box of signatures to his state capital when Prop 8 was on the ballot in California. When he was seen at The Rub N Tug bar, it didn’t take long for photos to make their way online, and into the town’s Facebook group.

In a short note to his friends and followers on the social media platform, Fallup admitted that he was at the bar, and that he was “trawling for D.” He apologized profusely for his actions in the past, and asked for forgiveness and “Christian grace.”

“Sure, I worked against my own community. But please, understand, friends,” Fallup wrote, “I only did it because I needed the job at the church. It was only for money! Please forgive me! What can I say? I guess I am the double standard!”

We sent a reporter to Phillip’s town, and got reactions from various citizens to the news.

Christine LeCroissant, 62, Retired Teacher

“You mean he literally does everything he tells us is a sin, but, like, in secret? What the perpetual fuck?”

Bo McGriff, 32, Researcher

“What a fucking two-faced piece of shit. It’s a shame, too, because he’s kinda hot and I’d smash if he wasn’t a hypocritical bigot. How the hell does that even happen, can I ask? Maybe we should all just pity his self-loathing ass?”

Katie Smith, 4, Kid

“What a cunt.”

 

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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