Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Poll: 90% of Americans Support Inventing Time Travel to Convince Ted Cruz’s Mom to Be Pro-Choice

In a new poll, 90% of Americans support inventing time travel strictly for the purpose of going back in time and convincing Sen.Ted Cruz’s (Q-TX) mother to be pro-choice.

Roughly seven out of every ten respondents to a new survey conducted by We Poll You So Hard and YouOpine said they would support dedicating federal funding toward inventing time travel. However, that number jumped another 20% when survey takers were asked “What if time travel was only for going back in time and convincing Ted Cruz’s mother to be pro-choice?”  According to Carol Carolsby, media liaison for We Poll You, said in a statement this is “one of the most clear and undeniable results” she’s ever seen in her career in public polling.

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“In this country, you can’t get this kind of agreement on the wetness of water or saltiness of Ben Shapiro’s tears when he watches a movie with a strong female lead,” Carolsby explained. “So when you see nine out of ten people saying they’d be chill with anything, literally anything, it’s clear the thing in question is pretty popular.”

Cruz recently came under fire for taking a family vacation to Cancun, Mexico while constituents in his state were freezing and without power during an intense winter cold snap. Sen.Cruz also famously did not defend his wife when former President Donald “Tiny Dong” Trump insulted her looks during the 2016 Republican primary season. Both of those things factored into the responses, Carolsby said, but so did his hairstyle.

“Have you seen that mullet he’s rocking right now? There were hundreds of people who said he deserved to be aborted just for that hair cut alone,” Carolsby said. “Personally, I think it’s fitting that a cringe inducing man has a cringeworthy hair cut, but I’m not here to judge people’s reactions to the poll; only to announce the results.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.