WASHINGTON, D.C. — Before authorizing the military operation that ended in the death of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, a man considered by many a de facto leader of ISIS, President Donald Trump asked top military advisers if his bone spurs could participate in any way. According to several sources close to the situation, Trump told everyone within earshot he was “sick and damn tired” of his bone spurs “getting a bad rap” and wanted to prove to the world they were very real and very brave, and not further evidence of his manifest cowardice.
“Hey, hey, hey…lemme ask you guys a question. I know I actually know more than you, MY generals, but I have a question for you all,” Trump apparently said to the assembled joint chiefs once they were all seated in the Situation Room for a totally normal, staged photo op, “How about you boys take my bone spurs with you? I’m sick and damn tired of them getting a bad rap, and I think it’s time the enemies of the people, the fake news, the lamestream media as I so originally and hilariously say, to report the truth about them.”
There was almost immediate pushback.
“Sir, Mr. President,” one unnamed general began, “we cannot possibly risk your life by putting you in the middle of this operation, sir. It’s just too much risk. I admire your courage, Mr. President, but I’m afraid we just can’t – ”
Trump cut him off.
“No! I wouldn’t be going,” Trump said with a laugh so large a little fart came out, “my bone spurs would be! Don’t be such a dumb cuck, dude. See? This is why I always say I know more than MY generals. I knew what I was talking about, and you didn’t! Sheesh. Get it together, man.”
While the rest of the room sat in stunned silence, Trump explained a few of the ways he thought his bone spurs might be able to help the special forces raid on al-Baghdadi.
“What if we hand them a couple of machine guns? You guys still got machine guns right? You better. I totally rebuilt the military, remember,” Trump insisted. “Previous urbans in the White House had literally canceled the military and sold off all the uranium to Russia and then made us all get gay married. How the hell do you not remember this? Anyway, what if we give my bone spurs a couple of the new machine guns I helped you guys buy? That would probably help bigly, I bet.”
The president’s idea was gently batted down.
“Okay, fine, you military cucks don’t want to just hand my bone spurs some machine guns, eh? Shortsighted, but fine. What if they just go in with special forces, and then they get to take the kill shot,” Trump asked. “Just hand them a gun right before you gotta kill al-Baghdadi. That’s a good, smart, totally doable idea, don’t you think?”
No one thought it was a good, smart, or totally doable idea. The frustration started to mount for President Trump. He tried one more time to get everyone to agree to let him send his bone spurs on the raid.
“Hmm. You guys seem like you’re missing the boat pretty badly here,” Trump said. “What if we just send the bone spurs over, and they carry some equipment for the guys right up the entrance to wherever al-Baghdadi is? Isn’t there some kind of knapsack or satchel they can carry? Gimme a hint here, boys. I want this. And Bill Barr has said, I’ve lost count of how many times, too, that I get to do whatever I want! I’m the president!”
Eventually, aides and staffers were able to get Trump to settle back down by giving him a bucket of KFC and a smartphone playing clips of his old appearances on The Apprentice. Once he had calmed down enough, they got President Trump into position to take the photo that was eventually released from within the Situation Room.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.