President Orders DOJ to Investigate Obama For Being Better at Literally Everything Than He Is

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It is not a secret at all on the Hill that the current occupant of the White House is not a fan in any way of his predecessor. President Donald Trump began his career in politics by publicly and vociferously challenging the validity of former President Barack Obama’s birth certificate, insinuating that he was not eligible to be president. As the de facto head of the “birther movement,” Trump spent years doggedly hounding Obama, taking every chance he could to place doubt in the minds of Americans about whether Mr. Obama is an American citizen.

Throughout the first two-plus years of his tenure, Trump has incessantly torn apart any and all decisions, orders, and agreements made during the Obama administration. Destroying Obama’s legacy seems to be a singular focus of President Trump, much to the delight of his base, and supporters in congress like Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. In recent days, President Trump has savagely attacked Obama over a deal his predecessor made with streaming media company Netflix. 

Mr. Trump has attempted to throw suspicions on Obama’s deal with Netflix as a distraction from mounting criticism that he is violating the Constitution and enriching himself and his business interests using the power of the presidency. In a series of tweets, Trump attempted to duck questions about violating emoluments clauses in the Constitution by attacking book and movie deals made by Barack and Michelle Obama.

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Today, it appears that Mr. Trump has become too frustrated waiting for evidence of Obama’s corruption in his Netflix deal to materialize. Yelling at reporters on the White House lawn, Trump indicated that he has “hereby ordered” the Department of Justice to investigate former President Obama. Trump says the investigation is necessary in order to get to the bottom of why Obama is “superior in literally every single way” to himself.

“It’s just not fair! He has more Tweeter fans! He had higher approvals than me. He didn’t have to suck up to third rate, shitty autocratic dictators for an ego boost,” Trump screamed. “He’s just better than me. His wife actually loves him! People outside a very small group of his most loyal sycophants actually willingly spend time with him. You know, the more I think of it, he’s never had to pay off a woman so she wouldn’t speak about the fact that the only way he could bed someone so hot is to pay them off or buy them a pony for their sweet 16 birthday, and Ivanka STILL hasn’t made good on…you know what? I’ll stop there.”

Trump began meandering about the lawn, picking his underwear out of his backside and sniffing his fingers ever so briefly.

“You know, it’s just…it’s just not right. He never had a special counsel, and I did! But you know what those cucks in the mainstream media and the overwhelming majority of Americans who disapprove of my job performance based on longstanding polling methods for determining these things,” Trump said in a moment of rare vocabularic prowess, “they don’t give me credit for it! They actually say that makes me a MORE WORSER president! Can you believe that? I get something he doesn’t get, but I’m not the winner? EXCUSE ME?! ELECTORAL COLLEGE, BITCH!”

The president was so mad he was farting uncontrollably, which is not that weird for both dogs and aging white collar criminals. 

“HOW IS IT LEGAL FOR HIM TO BE SO MUCH DAMN BETTER THAN ME AT EVERYTHING,” Trump demanded. “You know, I heard he doesn’t cheat on anything! Not his golf scores, not his taxes, not even his wife! What kind of…I mean, doesn’t mean I’m cooler for being able to get the hot, top shelf poon-a-roo? I think so! And I think most REAL Americans do. You know what I mean by real Americans. The ones with the white stuff. Anyway, cheating is American, but do I get points for it? NO! Because of Bob Mueller, his 1.8 trillion angry Democrats, and the fake news!”

For approximately half an hour, Trump listed the many ways in which he feels Obama is better than him. It ranged in activities from “not being a racist criminal” to “never having someone call him a fat waddling cunt from a hundred yards every other day.” 

“It just seems like he’s a better person than me and that…I’m rich…how does he…an uppity…I just…he…I…,” another spate of farting finished Trump’s sentence for him. “I DON’T FEEL HAPPY AND MOMMY TOLD ME I NEVER HAVE TO FEEL UNHAPPY SO I HAVE TO GO NOW BYE!”

Trump ran off back into the White House, crying and farting the whole time.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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