WASHINGTON, D.C. — It is not a secret on the Hill that President Donald J. Trump is furious at the whistleblower whose report of his call with the new Ukrainian president is at the center of an impeachment investigation that could undermine his presidency. It’s not a secret because Trump himself has spent much of his time on social media of late blasting whoever the whistleblower is, and demanding to get a chance to face them. There are longstanding federal laws in place, however, to prevent exactly such a thing from happening.
As the impeachment inquiry in the House grinds on, it can likely be expected that Trump will continue to assail and verbally assault the whistleblower. Speaking to reporters on the White House lawn this morning, President Trump attempted to explain why he’s so angry at the whistleblower in the first place. According to Trump, it’s because whoever they are, the whistleblower didn’t come to him first to get his permission to blow the whistle on his administration.
“I just find it so rude. Don’t you? I know I do,” Trump declared. “To think, you’re going to tattle tale on me, and you don’t have the decency to come and get my permission? You think your duty to protect the Constitution comes before your duty to protect my presidential ego? Think again, jerk mouth! Think. Again.”
Trump says that it’s a “long established” precedent that no one is allowed to inform the public of someone’s abuses of power without first getting permission from the person they’re accusing of abusing powers.
“It’s really very simple. You can’t accuse someone of stealing of your stuff without first going to them and asking them permission to call the cops,” Trump stated emphatically. “That’s just settled Constal-Tooch-In-Al law, folks. Don’t blame me. You don’t like it? Don’t blame me. My personal Attorney General Bill Barr said it’s totally on the up and up. So talk to him if you don’t believe me. But I believe me, and you have to as well. No. Seriously, I just signed an executive order that makes it illegal to doubt my honesty.”
While Trump seemed to admit he committed several acts that could be impeachable, he says that the “rudeness” of the whistleblower not coming to him first to get permission “voids” any punishments he deserves.
“Did I do stuff on several occasions that I shouldn’t? Maybe. Probably. Definitely. Who cares,” Trump said in rapid fire succession. “If they’re not going to do me the courtesy of telling me that they’re going to rat me out like a little NARC-ass bitch, why should we listen to their rude accusations? SAD!”
Because of his firm belief that no one should be able to “rat out a president unless they’re a Democrat, or worse a black Democrat,” Trump says he’s considering yet another executive order to force potential whistleblowers to alert the people they intend to whistleblow on, prior to lodging their complaint.
“It’s only fair! You can’t just go and tell the authorities someone raped you without first letting your rapist know you’re going to the cops,” President Trump bellowed. “Whatever happened to Dude Process? You know the process by which dudes get out of whatever it is they’re accused of? I DEMAND MY DUDE PROCESS!”
Legal scholars and experts on the subject of whistleblowers and their role in democracies say that it’s vital to protect the identity of whistleblowers. Those who seek to draw attention to governmental malfeasance are the targets of retribution, and in order to keep them safe from all kinds of harm, it’s important to keep them anonymous as long as possible. Trump disregards that expertise as “FAKE BOB MUELLER ANGRY DEMOCRAT NEWS.”
“NO! WRONG! I am President! That means I get whatever I want! I mean, I got that anyway before because Mommy said being rich means you get whatever you want,” Trump insisted, “but no! Even still, I wanna meet my accuser! And I don’t care what bullshit laws say I can’t. I AM THE LAW!”
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who has in the past been a stalwart shield against executive overreach, told reporters he agrees, and that Trump is the law now.
“Literally he’s the law. Why can’t you all get that through your heads? You remind me of Old Lindsey,” Graham said, referring to himself before his friend Sen. John McCain died last year. “The cuck who was afraid to support this big, orange, beautiful president! Just shut up and take it! What is so hard about that? Why can’t you damn liberals just accept that 30% of the country elected a brazen white collar criminal and we’re HAPPY about it, and HAPPY to continue ramming his insanity down your throats?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.