Monday, June 14, 2021

QAnon Shaman Won’t Eat Unless Its Organic or Trump’s Ass

While in federal custody, Jacob Chansley — known worldwide now as “The QAnon Shaman” — will only eat either organic food, or barring that, Trump’s ass. Mr. Chansley, who has made himself famous by showing up to various QAnon events in a bearskin headdress, shirtless, and with his face painted, is among the Americans already arrested for taking part in the violent, deadly siege of the U.S. Capitol building on January 6th, 2021.

This week, Chansley made further headlines when his lawyer filed a complaint in court, saying their client was unable to eat because the food he was being provided was not organic.

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“While Mr. Chansley is certainly not a soyboybetacuck, or a soft-ass-liberal-bitch-baby,” the court documents read, “he still needs his super-specific dietary needs met. Even insurrectionist sore losers should be fed according to their religious beliefs, or this isn’t even America anymore, is it?”

Not wanting to “make too big a fuss,” however, Chansley’s lawyers said he is open to compromise on the issue of his dietary needs.

“If, for some reason or another, the government cannot provide Mr. Chansley with all-organic, GMO-free foods,” the briefs request of the court, “we respectfully ask that he be given access to outgoing, lame duck, one-term, permanently twice-impeached President Donald John Trump’s rectum, buttocks, and perineum. If the Shaman can get in close contact with those particular items, he can sustain himself for months, if not years.”

The White House, when made aware of Chansley’s requests, said that President Trump is very willing to help him get his needs met.

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“Obviously if this great patriot and domestic terrorist needs to live off the nutrients provided by the hind quarters of our Dear President,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick confirmed to reporters this morning, “then the president would do everything in his power to enable him to meet Mr. Chansley at the prison, squat down over him, drop his pants, and let him give the president’s asshole a spit shining like he’s never had before.”

Chansley is in prison facing several federal felony charges.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.