Sunday, September 19, 2021

Rand Paul Self-Certifies as Lawyer, Says Nothing Wrong With Wife’s Stock Trade

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Doctor Rand Paul (Q-KY) and his wife might have been in some serious hot water over allegations of insider trading, but ever the strategic thinker, Sen. Paul appears to have found a way to avoid any consequences.

This week, news broke that Paul’s wife bought stock in the company that makes a drug used in the treatment of COVID-19 in February of 2020. Some have begun openly questioning if his family’s interest in the drug company’s success is behind some of the Kentucky Republican’s blatantly anti-masking and anti-vaccine rhetoric. Others have continued to pointed out he’s always been a moron, and that the stock purchases might just mean he’s a corrupt politician on top of being a moron.

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In order to avoid any trouble coming to them over his wife’s stock purchase, Sen. Paul has reached into his playbook and called up a play he’s already quite familiar with.

“Folks, last night I started the North Kentucky Bar Association, and have self-certified myself as a lawyer,” Paul told reporters at a hastily thrown together press conference this morning, “and I specialize in tax and business law. Guess what? In my newly expert opinion, I can say without any doubt that nothing is wrong with the stock purchase my wife made.”

Paul announced that while he had formed his own bar association to gain certification to practice law in coal country, he did a “crash course in legal stuff” from Trump University.

“I may be a self-certified lawyer, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t learn things I need to know,” Paul said. “Trump University’s law program is quick, and leaves you wanting for more, like sleeping with its namesake, but I am still very grateful for the degree they conferred on me.”

This story is developing.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.