The President of the United States is currently the subject of an active impeachment inquiry. As most Americans know, however, the United States isn’t a country made up of a government comprised of three wholly separate and equal branches of government that hold each other in check and balance one another’s powers with their own. Instead, everyone knows that America is a country run by the dictatorial fiats of reality-TV stars who are also racist con men. Therefore, it came as no big shock to every good, clean, ammo hoarding, God fearing patriot when the current president tweeted veiled hints and threats of a second Civil War, should the crime of holding him accountable for his unconstitutional behavior and abuse of power be committed by Congress.
This weekend, President Donald Trump tweeted a quote from noted evangelical leader and 2017’s winner of the Most Bigoted Piece of Human Garbage Who Literally Doesn’t Understand the Teachings of Jesus Christ Which Is Fine Because Irony is Dead in the Trumpian Age Anyway Award, Pastor Robert Jeffress. Mr. Jeffress apparently believes impeaching President Trump would bring about a second civil war, and the president seemingly co-signed this idea on Twitter.
….If the Democrats are successful in removing the President from office (which they will never be), it will cause a Civil War like fracture in this Nation from which our Country will never heal.” Pastor Robert Jeffress, @FoxNews
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 30, 2019
While it’s certain that most Americans would laugh to the point of their balls and/or testicular equivalents falling literally off at the notion of participating in a hot war over protecting a manifestly stupid and grotesquely unfit president who is also a former reality-TV host, there are many other uber-patriots who would not. All over the former Confederacy and in enclaves around the country, backyard commandos have been training with their caches of AR-15 assault rifles for this very moment. They’ve stocked up on ammo and supplies, and when our Dear President gives the orders, they will go forward into the breach with him.
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However, the Trump administration has issued a warning to any and all combatants who plan to fight on his side — charge your rascal scooters first.
“We have every intention of winning this great war of ideals,” White House Chief Racism Strategist Stephen Miller told reporters outside the White House this morning. “That being said, the logistics of charging a few hundred thousand, maybe a few million, rascal scooters could be challenging at first. So we are encouraging all our wonderful patriotic scooter drivers to make sure their batteries are fully charged before mustering for duty.”
Miller told reporters in addition to having their scooter batteries charged, new combatants in Trump’s Civil War should make sure other preparations are made prior to arriving at the battlefield. Militia members should bring their own bacon grease for gravy and for use as sex lube at night, as Miller says “fighting and killing libtarded Americans in the great purge” will work up both a “healthy appetite and a raging boner” for many of those who enlist to fight.
“You should also, of course, bring your own ammunition and arms. Unlike the previous Civil War, the U.S. government won’t be issuing arms to those fighting on behalf of the president,” Miller said. “We figure everyone on our side will have at least a dozen guns of their own anyway. Basically, take what you learned in school about the Civil War and flip it so the south is actually the north. It’s really rather easy to do since the Confederacy plus a couple Rust Belt states elected our 45th Greatest President of All Time.”
While there are plans to install “as many scooter chargers as the battlefield can hold,” the White House says it might be wise for those fighting on Trump’s side of the Second Civil War to consider “scooter sharing or scooter-pooling” with each other.
“If your scooter is built to accommodate more than your sveldt, 480-pound patriotic frame, soldier, then consider letting another corpulent commander scooter-pool with you,” Miller told potential combatants. “If you can attach a sidecar to your scooter, by all means do so. This is a fight for the authoritarian dystopia the founders envisioned.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.