Report: Ow! Fuck! Pins and Needles!

GREEN PORT, LOUISIANA — Sources close to the situation are reporting that screams and shrieks were heard from the vicinity of 476 Thomas Rd and that at the time of publication, it’s unclear when the situation will resolve itself. However, first responders and onlookers report that a woman in her late thirties is shaking and rubbing her foot forcefully, and hopes are that this will bring everything to as swift a conclusion as can be hoped for. Local authorities are cautiously optimistic that within a minute, perhaps up to five, things will be back to normal.

Megan Glasto knew that it was going to hurt; she just knew it. She’d been sitting on her sofa, watching a reality TV banking competition with her partner Allison for an hour and a half, and the whole time she’d been sitting in a semi-“crisscross apple sauce” manner, folding her right leg under her left leg, and sitting pretty much directly on top of her right foot. She knew, as she felt the urge to get up and go pee, that it was going to hurt quite a bit, as she could tell her foot had fallen completely asleep.

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“SON OF A MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR,” Megan howled. “Oh! Fuck! Pins and needles! Allie! PINS AND FUCKING NEEDLES! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” 

With every step she took, Megan felt a million hot needles poking into the bottom of her right food. She’d never been to war, but she imagined that she was feeling something close to it now. She was feeling hopeless and afraid. But that’s when her partner swung into action. 

Allison came into the living room, and gently guided her lover down back onto the couch. Allison ripped off Megan’s shoe. She began rubbing and shaking Megan’s foot for her, trying to reestablish the circulation in it. Megan says she felt so “loved and cared for” in that moment.

“I know Allie’s not a doctor, so I had no idea where she got the instinct to do what she did,” Megan said, “but boy am I glad I didn’t dump her last year when she cheated on me, stole all the money out of my savings account, and bought as much cocaine as she could have with it. She can call me all the names she wants when she’s coked-up if it means she’ll also be there for me when my foot falls asleep. I’m over 30 now; I don’t want to die alone with pins and needles in my feet.”

Allison reports that she did in fact go to rehab after the incident Megan told us about. 

“But if I had known she’d keep finding ways to shoehorn that situation into every conversation she has,” Allison divulged, “maybe I would have preferred she dump me.”

After a two hour, closed door conversation away from our reporter on the Skype call, Allison and Megan came back out. They ended the interview and said they needed to start a tele-therapy session with their couples counselor. We thanked them for their time, and wished Megan a speedy recovery.

“Thanks! I mean, it’s just my foot that fell asleep, but I really appreciate you caring enough to say that,” Megan said. “It’s not like someone you love getting you pass-out drunk, taking your ATM card, withdrawing all your cash, and buying a shit-ton of coke you don’t even fucking share with your partner with it. It’s better than that.”

Allison just rolled her eyes and thought to herself how much coke she’d love to be doing right at this very moment. When we’re given a status update on Megan’s foot, we’ll provide it.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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