The CDC has recently issued guidelines for reducing the spread of the novel coronavirus, which include a request to consider “social distancing” at large gatherings. In a nutshell, the CDC says you should consider delaying or calling off any big events you have planned. However, if you choose to go through with them, they highly encourage you to keep a distance of at least six feet from the other person, which is what they refer to as the aforementioned “social distancing.”
New data suggests, however, that you don’t have to worry about participating in social distancing, because people have been socially distancing themselves from you for a long, long time.
“When we crunch the numbers,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the Institute of Studying and Learning About Shit told reporters today during a press conference, “it’s really quite unmistakable. You are such a douchebag that most people have been avoiding social situations you might be a part of for as far back as we have data to crunch.”
Hornaydieux says that the math is quite complicated, but that when all the factors are taken into consideration, “you fucking suck” and “no one really wants to be around you.”
“Your whole life, people have walked around on eggshells around you. They haven’t really known how to tell you what a total and complete pariah you are,” Hornaydieux explained. “Until, that is, they had the excuse of the coronavirus outbreak to give them cover. Now, they’re gonna tell you they just started avoiding you like the plague, but we know better. We have the data. It’s conclusive. Basically, you’re a piece of shit, empirically speaking, and no one really wants to be around you, pandemic or not.”
Dr. Hornaydieux has “plenty of evidence” to show that while it may not be everyone in your life, or even a substantial portion of them, “someone, somewhere thinks you suck enough” to stay away from you.
“Even the best people in the world have someone or some group of people who hates their guts, or thinks they’re weird, or for whatever reason doesn’t want to spend any time with you, let alone at a gathering of people,” said Hornaydieux, pointing to various charts and graphs. “And let me be very clear — the list of reasons someone has for not liking you is literally unending. In fact, what someone likes about you might be the one thing about you that drives someone else nuts. Basically, no matter who you are, or what you do for a living, someone somewhere hopes you fuck off and die and they never have to see you again.”
There isn’t really anything you can do to win everyone over, either, Hornaydieux believes. While you might be able to convince some people you’re not a total piece of shit, you can’t make everyone look past your obvious, glaring faults. In fact, it might not even be your faults that are making people avoid you like you’re the plague, and not the coronavirus.
“Some people are despised because they don’t have any visible faults. The more perfect, well-adjusted, or just plain normal you seem, to a certain part of the human population,” Hornaydieux said, “that’s just the most annoying thing ever. They’ll absolutely avoid you, and hope that some kind of scandal you can’t recover from tarnishes your reputation. I’m not saying they’re not assholes; it’s quite possible the people avoiding you are assholes. But, if you point out they’re assholes, you risk someone getting offended, and then all of a sudden you’re the asshole to that person, who is, very likely an asshole themselves, closing the venn diagram of assholes in your life, but leaving you just the same amount of cold and empty inside.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.