Friday, March 31, 2023

Local Man Not Sure He’ll Get a Return on All the Money He Invested in His Son

CARMEL VALLEY RANCH, CALIFORNIA — He never expected to recoup every single cent he spent on his son Raymond, but he thought he’d at least see some return on his investment. Richard Foley has a feeling, though, that even his most conservative estimates were “way, way off,” and that he won’t see even see a two percent dividend on the money he’s spent investing in Ray’s upbringing and future.

“All told, I’d say I’ve spent probably close to a quarter million dollars on that boy since he was born,” Richard was overheard telling compatriots at a local dive bar this past weekend. “Diapers, formula when his mother was over the whole breastfeeding thing, food, new clothes when he grew out of the old ones, school supplies, guitars, guitar lessons, fancy cameras when he wanted to be a filmmaker, college tuition. It all adds up, let me tell you.”

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When he adds it all up, Richard realizes he’s spent a “small fortune” on Ray. Over the years, Ray has had several hobbies and interests, and Richard and his wife Amy have always believed in fostering the dreams of their children. Richard says he doesn’t want to sound like he’s complaining about the money he’s spent on his son, he just is expressing his “disbelief at how high the numbers really are.”

“I once spent seventeen hundred bucks one year on Disneyland annual passes for our family,” Richard said, “I don’t see that coming back to me any time soon, that’s for sure. I’m not complaining, really, I’m just now realizing how much cocaine and booze I could have bought with that money if I were still single and working in day trading, that’s all.”

Mr. Foley says that before he and Amy got married and had their first child, a daughter named Mary, he was “living high on the good life” and making thousands of dollars a day trading stocks. When Mary was born, he decided to open a restaurant with Amy, who was a trained chef. Richard estimates he’s spent two or three, perhaps even four times as much money on his kids, and on Ray in particular.

“He was just always the kid who would break an arm jumping off the jungle gym at school, or crash his bike into someone’s Mercedes that was parked on the street, and I’d have to pay for the dent and paint job,” Richard explained, “and if you add that up over 20 years, that is so so so so much coke and booze. Did I mention I used to do coke and drink a lot? Hooooo boy did I love to do coke. Don’t really do much coke these days, of course, family man and all. Still, if you had any coke on you, I’d totally do some right now with you. You don’t have any, do you, coke I mean? Because yeah, I’ll do some coke with you right now.”

Richard’s friends told him they didn’t have any cocaine. Every so often, though, for the rest of the meal, Richard would intimate that he’d do coke with them, if any were “holding.” Alas, the lunch ended and Richard went home having not done any coke with his friends. When he got home, he found a bill for Ray’s culinary school, went online, and paid it.

“I love my kids, I really do. And I love Ray so much,” Richard said as he entered his credit card information. “I just…you know, could use a little coke every now again, still. To get through the rough times. Or the boring times. Or the not so rough or boring times. Whatever. Hey…you don’t have any coke do you?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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