LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY — In an attempt fill the vacancy left by outgoing chairman and company founder John Schnatter, pizza purveyor Papa John’s has announced they’ve already found a suitable replacement — political activist Richard Spencer.
Mr. Schnatter’s time as CEO, board chair, and spokesperson for his pizza company certainly had its ups and its downs. Flagging sales led Schnatter to blame everything from rising minimum wage laws, Obamacare, and protesting NFL players. Papa John’s was an official sponsor of the NFL, and Schnatter believed the protests over police brutality that garnered so much national attention even the president started using it as a rhetorical device were causing his sales to plummet from boycotting conservatives.
Whatever the drama leading up to his resignation, Schnatter put the final nail in his coffin with the company he founded decades ago during a conference call with a media firm that Papa John’s hired to help them patch up their increasingly damaged reputation. During the call, allegedly Mr. Schnatter used the racial slur known as “The N-Word.” It was offensive enough that the media company broke ties with Papa John’s in the aftermath of the call.
“I’m extremely excited that Papa John’s is giving me this opportunity to finally work for a living,” Spencer told reporters at a press conference announcing his hiring. “I think it says a lot about Papa John’s that they don’t want to lose a key demographic in their clientele, and so they hired me to be the very punchable face of their pizza.”
When he takes over the company, Spencer says he already has many “solutions” to the problems facing the beleaguered pizza chain.
“I wouldn’t call any of them my final solution though,” Spencer said. “That comes later, once we’ve established how the Purge will work, and stuff. Wait did I say that out loud?”
It might seem odd that someone like Spencer would be hired to be the chairman of a pizza company, considering he has no experience in that industry. Papa John’s and Spencer disagree.
“There is no doubt that my deep love and sincere passion for ovens will come in quite handy in this new gig,” Spencer said. “I’m, like, really into ovens guys. The bigger the better. In fact, that’s my first order of business, putting in much larger ovens. Like, big enough to fit, say, a few dozen people into. For tours. Yeah. That’s it. For tours.”
Spencer has a few more ideas in store for the company he’ll be running.
“All our pizzas are going to be $14.88, and the only toppings will be gloriously white cheese, the whiter the better,” Spencer said. “And our official slogan will now be: Better ingredients. Better pizza. Fuck the Mexicans.”
Spencer will begin his tenure at Papa John’s starting August 1st . In the interim, a sack of diarrhea in a white sheet and pointed hood will serve as chairman in Schnatter’s absence. Sources say the diarrhea was chosen because they had extra left over from their pizzas.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.