Thursday, June 1, 2023

Democratic Operative Regrets Rigging Election for Mitch McConnell to Retain Senate Control

LOS SOROS, COMMIEFORNIA — She didn’t think things through; at least not completely. She put in months of time, working to cobble together the perfect, undetectable scheme to rig the 2020 election. When the votes started coming in last week, it seemed like everything was going to fall right into place, and as it starts to look more and more like Joe Biden will be president and have a split Congress underneath him, 42-year-old Katie Mcstevens says she’s really regretting leaving Mitch McConnell in control of the Senate.

“Son of a bitch! I can’t believe I didn’t think this so much through,” Katie told us via Skype. “Honestly, it seemed like the right call for the Democratic Party at the time to only rig the presidential election. And it seemed like a good thing for Democrats to lose a few seats in the House and leave McConnell in place, because nothing lets you force your views on Americans like giving your opponents the power to stop you.”

ALSO: Fox News Promises Trump They’ll Call Him “President” Even After Biden’s Sworn In and Dismantles His Legacy

As she started thinking about what happened last week, and as she started reading stories about how McConnell planned to stymie Biden as much as possible, just as he did to Biden’s former boss Barack Obama for eight years, Katie realized she “may have not had the best thinking” on the subject.

“I was going through some things, personally, and I think I just wasn’t really looking at how this would play out completely,” Katie admitted.

To this moment, she still doesn’t know why, exactly, she decided to make sure McConnell and the Republicans still controlled the Senate.

“I don’t know if it’s that I thought it would be too obvious for us to win it all, or if I just thought maybe it would be good to throw them bone,” Katie said. “Hell, maybe deep down I just didn’t think there was a chance McConnell was that much of a cartoon villain. But when the Democrats asked me to help them rig this election, they gave me pretty wide berth to do what I felt was right to get the job done, and well, at the time, I thought letting McConnell still control the Senate was the way to go.”

Though Katie refused to divulge the exact details of her plot, she did unveil some of the key points.

“Basically, I just went around and knocked on doors and asked people if they were happy with Trump and the Republicans, and if they’d consider voting for Biden instead,” Katie said. “I had this feeling that the best way to rig the election was to get more people to vote for Biden and not Trump. The part about leaving McConnell in power was a game time decision. Now, I realize, I should’ve just thrown it all the way to the Dems if I was ever going to get our rabid agenda of forcing every American to get a gay marriage, conceive a child, abort it, and all while drinking a gallon of Starbucks ORGANIC coffee. Live and learn, I guess.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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