Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Rittenhouse Judge Asks Jury to End Deliberations So He and Kyle Can Attend Proud Boy Meeting

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN — Judge Bruce Schroeder and accused vigilante double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse have a Proud Boy meeting to attend tonight, and so the jury needs to “wrap it up quick-like,” Schroeder told them today.

Jurors have been deliberating since yesterday in Rittenhouse’s case, attempting to return a verdict as to whether the two men he killed during a riot last year constitute murders. Judge Schroeder, who told prosecutors they couldn’t refer to the people Rittenhouse killed as “victims,” and cast doubts on whether zooming in a video alters it any fashion, told jurors before sending them off to start the second day of deliberations that they should “consider the defendant’s impending social schedule.”

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“C’mon, guys! You and I both know where this thing is heading. You’re gonna acquit him, he’s gonna get a new AR-15 as a gift from the NRA, and then he and I are gonna go to the Proud Boy meeting tonight,” Schroeder said.

Schroeder indicated that if the jury doesn’t “speed this shit up pronto” he would be forced to resort to holding them in contempt. Sensing an objection from the prosecutors, Schroeder held up his hand and quickly amended his threat.

“That is, um, to say that I will hold any juror who is voting to convict Sweet Kyle in contempt, and issue a summary judgment and jail sentence. Minimum of 1488 days, GET IT KYLE, WINK WINK,” Judge Schroeder shouted while visibly winking.

Schroeder also indicated that he and Rittenhouse would be dining together after the Proud Boy meeting wrapped up.

“Mrs. Rittenhouse was generous enough to offer to take Kyle and me to Chick-Fil-A after the meeting, and then maybe we’ll all have a night cap or light a few crosses on fire, who knows? Sky’s the limit with me and my new bestie Kyle though!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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