Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Rittenhouse Offered to Shoot Someone on 5th Avenue for Trump During Their Mar-A-Lago Meeting

MAR-A-LAGO, FLORIDUH — Former, one term, tiny-donged, daughter lusting, twice forever impeached President Don Trump revealed recently that he and acquitted double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse had a meeting at his Florida resort.

Just days prior, Rittenhouse was acquitted on all charges against him stemming from protests that turned violent, in Kenosha last year. Citizens were protesting a shooting of an unarmed black man in the area, and Rittenhouse told the court he went to Kenosha, from his home in Illinois, to protect the property of friends and relatives in Wisconsin. Rittenhouse, who took his Bushmaster AR-15 to the scene of the riot, also claimed he was there to render first aid where necessary.

Kyle Rittenhouse and George Zimmerman Will Headline “Bushmaster/Skittles White Hood Comedy Tour”

Mr. Rittenhouse has become a right-wing celebrity and proto martyr. Trump revealed that Rittenhouse told him he was a “fan” of Trump’s. The former president then divulged that Rittenhouse “made quite a bigly, tempting offer” to him.

“That Tit-in-a-house kid? He’s a good little shit. Real good little shit. He came in, flashed the MAGA hand salute, and didn’t waste any time telling me how important I was, and how much he loves me. Real good shit, that kid,” Trump announced on Sean Hannity’s radio show.

“Then the little son of a bitch says to me, get this Sean, he says to me that he’ll shoot someone on 5th Avenue for me! Apparently he’s real good at shooting people in the street and getting away with it, and he’s not even a cop Sean! Normally you have to be a cop to be able to kill with impunity, Sean. Good little shit, that kid.”

Trump told Hannity that he was really impressed with Rittenhouse’s offer, and he told Kyle he would “think long and hard” about who he’d like to have shot.

“That is to say I can think of at least 81 million so-called Americans I’d love to have Kyle shoot, but I don’t know that there are that many bullets available, now that Sleepy Joe has ended the Second Amendment, or whatever it’s called. That Constitution is confusing as fuck, always was.”

Don Jr: “If Joe’s So Good at Finishing What Daddy Couldn’t, Why Can’t He Make Ivanka Cum?”

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Must Read


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Latest News

Biden Sells White House Naming Rights to Soros, Inc for $666 Trillion

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden signed an agreement today that authorizes a name change to the historic residence...

More Articles Like This