Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Man Wants Statue ‘Dedicated to Another Traitor Who Lost’ After Robert E. Lee’s Removal

RICHMOND, VIRGINIA — After 131 years, a monument to General Robert E. Lee, who led forces against the United States during the Civil War, has been removed from the former confederate capitol. Lee’s former plantation, in Arlington, was claimed from his family in the aftermath of the Civil War and turned into a national cemetery. However, Lee’s true legacy is one of a man who led men willing to kill Americans in the name of slavery, and for decades activists have tried to have the statue to Lee that was put up in 1890, twenty-five years after the war ended and built to intimidate African Americans, newly freed, into accepting continued white supremacy.

After a lengthy court battle, and with the Supreme Court’s tacit approval, the statue was finally removed this morning. However, the cranes pulling the statue of Robert E. Lee down hadn’t been driven away from the site before one man, 46 year old William Riccilumbo, had filed a new lawsuit in Virginia State Court, demanding that a new statue “dedicated to another traitor” and Riccilumbo is demanding that the new statue be erected as soon as possible.

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We caught up with Mr. Riccilumbo and asked him about his lawsuit.

“There are a lot of hurt white feelings all over the Bible Belt right now, and our government gives us the right to seek redress against it, when we feel it has wronged us,” Riccilumbo told our reporter. “I believe taking down a statue of man simply because he led a literal army against the country and supported killing his fellow Americans so that rich farmers like himself could keep owning black people like they were plows and tractors is harming us bigly!”

Riccilumbo’s suit calls for the government of the State of Virginia to “set aside whatever funds necessary” to build a statue to former, one-term, twice forever impeached President Donald J. trump. He claims it would be a “nearly one to one trade” for the statue of Lee.

“They were both traitors to the country. They both inspired violent attacks on America, and they both lost,” Riccilumbo explained. “What is this country, if it’s not a place where we memorialize violent, racist, white losers? I demand I be given my safe space back, and I demand that the government make me feel like my thoughts and opinions are special!”

A hearing has been scheduled in three weeks for a judge to read Riccilumbo’s complaint in open court. He hopes to have a ruling in his favor by the end of the summer, and to commission a pro-MAGA sculptor to make the Trump statute soon after that.

“If we can find someone who can really capture Don Trump’s likeness, that will be so fantastic,” Riccilumbo indicated. “Of course, to do that you need to make it out of Spam, and I’m not sure a spam statue would hold up, but damn it, it’s worth trying!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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