Friday, March 31, 2023

Robinhood Files Paperwork to Change Its Name to “SheriffofNottingham.”

SWILLY CORN, VALLEY — Online brokerage trader Robinhood filed emergency paperwork with the Securities and Exchange Commission today, requesting an immediate change of their registered corporate name. The SEC is expected to approve the paperwork in short order, according to several sources with knowledge of the situation.

“At the behest of our executive board, the investors, and even some early warnings we got from the SEC itself,” Robinhood announced in a press release, “we have filed emergency paperwork and requested that our legally registered corporate name be changed as quickly as possible to SheriffofNotthingham.”

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This morning, Robinhood effectively ended the dizzying skyrocket of stocks related to Gamestop, Nokia, Blackberry, and more. Over the course of the last few weeks, traders who gathered on Reddit shared information and exploited what they saw as a weakness in how hedge funds were treating video game retailer Gamestop, and started buying up all the shares they could, creating a bubble that has helped some investors make millions of dollars in a very short time.

Robinhood claimed that they restricted trade on the companies to limit the chance that unsavvy investors get hurt too much financially by making ill-advised trades. However, Citadel, another hedge firm that accounts for a large amount of Robinhoods revenue also bailed out one of the hedge firms that stood to lose the most amount of money when their shortings were called, reportedly put pressure on Robinhood to halt the trading of the stocks that the Redditors were attempting to drive up the prices on.

Ultimately, Robinhood even began to sell off traders’ positions in Gamestop without asking them first. It’s likely that is not prohibited by their terms of service, but that, in concert with directly manipulating the availability of certain stocks, created one of the most rare events in human history — Democrats and Republicans agreeing on something. Both Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Sen. Ted Cruz lambasted Robinhood’s actions and called for congressional investigations.

Those potential investigations were cited as another reason that Robinhood was requesting a name change.

“In the end, we believe that part of the investor outrage expressed today is our own fault, for inappropriately branding ourselves in such a way as to imply we cared about the commoners,” Robinhood’s press release states. “But all it took was a little pressure from the wealthy and powerful, and we folded like the suits you plebs only wish you could afford. Therefore, we believe it’s far more logical to rebrand as SheriffofNottingham and we look forward to pretending to care about the retail trader for a long time coming.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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