Tuesday, May 30, 2023

Rich Guy Taking Six Figure Paycheck From Taxpayers Wonders If Taxpayers Need More Stimulus

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Ron Penis (Q-WI) told his colleagues on both sides of the aisle today that he’s not sure anybody in America needs another stimulus payment from the U.S. government. Citing the current level of the U.S. national debt, Sen. Penis insisted that the relief packages passed during the previous administration have been “more than enough,” and he questioned why any more aid should be given to people at all.

“Why are we giving so much money to poor people? Clearly they’re poor for a reason, and that reason is very likely that they’re not good with money to begin with,” Johnson said during a meeting of the Senate Finance Committee this morning, “and it seems dangerous in the extreme to hand people like that more money. Even during a pandemic with millions of Americans still unemployed.”

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Every member of the U.S. Senate receives an annual salary of $174,000. The average salary of a U.S. worker in 2019 was less than a fifth of that amount, roughly $32,000. Sen. Penis made direct reference to his own salary while arguing against others getting another stimulus payment.

“This is just simple math here, folks. How will these plebs afford to pay our salaries if we keep giving them the money we get in our paychecks,” Sen. Penis asked with incredulity. “Call me crazy if you want. Call me a piece of shit. It’s probably fitting, really. But I do think I’m making a good point about what happens if we give people too much of their own money back to them before we get a chance to spend it on ourselves.”

Sen. Ted Cruz, a fellow Republican, told reporters that “absolutely” agrees with Sen. Penis.

“My great friend from Wisconsin makes quite a good point,” Cruz said during a press conference later in the day. “Our paychecks are simply more important than whether or not Suzie Q. Public or John T. Everyman can afford to keep feeding their kids, and I applaud Senator Penis for having the courage to stand up for all of us who get a six figure income to do everything in our power to keep people making a fraction of that amount as poor as we can keep them.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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