WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to the situation are reporting that an enormous rug and 51 brooms have been delivered to the Senate chamber in the nation’s capital this afternoon. It’s unclear at this time exactly what the rug and brooms will be used for, but a note, apparently written with extremely poor grammar, all in capital letters, in orange crayon, accompanied the brooms and rug. Many Senators were seen taking a break from their traditional preening and sermonizing to take note of the delivery of the rug.
Senators Cruz, Graham, and Rubio were seen giving each other slaps on the back, high fives, and wiping what looked like spray tanner residue off their faces. A couple of staffers were witnessed rolling the rug up and moving the brooms to the side of the chamber. Murmurs about needing the rugs and brooms some time next week were overheard.
On Friday evening, the U.S. Senate narrowly defeated a motion that would have allowed additional documents and witnesses to be subpoenaed in the impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump. After an entire week of opening arguments and another 16 hours of debate on the subject, senators voted 51-49 to block any attempts to call additional witnesses. Former Ambassador John Bolton’s new memoir reportedly contains explosive new allegations that Trump put direct pressure on him as national security adviser to help him pressure Ukraine into investigating the Biden family.
These revelations, first reported in The Failing New York Times, might have helped make the vote closer than it would have been before, as Republicans Mitt Romney and Susan Collins joined the Democratic caucus in voting in favor of subpoenas for new witnesses. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) had his wishes to skip witnesses granted by Republicans Lamar Alexander and Lisa Murkowski. Both Alexander and Murkowski will be given Presidential Medals of Cowardice at a White House dinner some time next week.
“Boy, you could sweep just about anything you want under that thing,” Majority Leader McConnell was heard in the hallways. “That’s just beautiful. A real fine piece of craftsmanship. And those brooms? Why, if I wasn’t already scheduled to fornicate with a lump of coal later tonight, I’d probably see fit to lube and fuck one of those brooms.”
Over on Pennsylvania Avenue, in the Oval Office, President Trump reportedly was “pleased” that the rug and brooms had been delivered to McConnell. However, he denied having anything to do with it directly. Instead, he said the press should “talk to Rudy” about it.
“Look, I didn’t do anything about the rug and brooms, okay? Not personally,” Trump told reporters on the White House lawn. “If you want to know about the rug operation, you gotta talk to Rudy. I know so little about rugs that this is my own hair, see?”
The president spent the next five minutes tugging and pulling on whatever it is on top of his head that he calls “hair.” Once he was satisfied he’d addressed the reporters’ questions enough, he told them he had to go back into the White House. The president’s schedule listed another several hours of “Executive Time,” and he said he’d eaten “too much Taco Bell” the night before for him to reschedule it.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.