Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Santa Claus Will Require Proof of Vaccination Before Delivering Toys This Year

THE NORTH POLE — Elected officials like Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) and Rep. Marjhorsey Taylor Greene (Q-GA) are seething, lashing out on social media at a figure many consider to be the living embodiment of the “Christmas Spirit.”

Despite the fact that throughout the year, Republicans can be heard vociferously championing the holiday, when Santa Claus announced this morning that this year he would be requiring proof of vaccination before delivering toys, Cruz and Greene each called for the cancelation of Christmas. Greene went so far as to suggest that if President Don Trump were still in office, Claus not only would not have had the courage to institute a vaccine passport requirement, Trump would have used his war powers to force Santa to acquiesce to his demands. Cruz called for a Senate investigation into whether or not China had undue influence on St. Nick.

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“Obviously, someone in George Soros’ ANTIFA Cancel Culture squad got to Santa,” Greene tweeted. “If Don Trump were still are [sic] king, he wouldn’t put up with this libtard BS. And there’d be an actual war if he tried!”

Cruz called for Santa’s passport to be confiscated and encouraged governors in red states to muster their national guards to shoot down Claus’ sleigh if it enters their airspace while he’s only delivering to vaccinated children.

“There is no refuge from the left’s incessant attacks on people’s freedoms, is there? Clearly, we need to investigate Santa Claus for his callous attempt to keep himself from being exposed to a deadly virus,” Cruz said during a lunch hour appearance on Fox News.

“Take his passport. Governors in real American states, the ones were we only count Republican votes, should rally their national guards. Defend your borders from socialism and Santa’s tyranny!”

The Office of Santa Claus issued a short response to Cruz and Greene.

We will not take advice from, or be bullied by, two of the most infamous members of the Permanent Naughty List. Santa has a duty to protect himself, his loved ones, and his team of hardworking elves from deadly viruses. The FDA has yet to approve any COVID vaccine for elves, and as such Santa will require that parents provide proof of vaccinating their children, or a negative COVID test dated within the last 48 hours, prior to toy delivery. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND MAY TED CRUZ GO FUCK HIMSELF!

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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