THE NORTH POLE, EARTH — On Christmas night last year, President Trump raised eyebrows all over the political spectrum when he asked a child he was speaking to on the phone if they still believed in Santa Claus, and called it “marginal” at her age to still believe. The girl is seven years old.
“Are you still a believer in Santa?” Trump asks.
Collman pauses a moment, and looks up at whoever is shooting the video.
“Yes, sir,” she replies.
“Because at 7 it’s marginal, right?” Trump asks. (NPR)
Mr. Trump had been continuing the tradition of the president and First Lady (When Ivanka’s Not Around) taking calls from children who were tracking Santa’s flight path on NORAD’s website. Scholars have been unable to locate another such time that a president questioned a child’s belief in Santa, however.
Though Santa is a self-described “private person” and he has said on multiple occasions that he prefers to never get involved in geopolitics, or take any political stances, Claus was reportedly outraged by Trump’s behavior. In a rare development, Jolly Old Saint Nick decided to do what he called a “counter-troll” on Trump.
“Hi, is this Susie Johnson,” Santa is seen in a new viral video asking a female Trump supporter on the other end of the phone. “This is Santa! Yes, the Santa! How are you, Susie? Oh, that’s great to hear. Hey, Susie, is it true you still think Donald Trump is a real president?”
Susie was taken aback. She asked what Santa meant.
“I mean, you know, after finding out that Russia helped him win, and watching him behave like a selfish, spoiled, bratty toddler for two years,” Santa continued, “Do you really think Trump is a real president?”
Johnson said she doesn’t believe the “Russia witch hunt hoax.” Santa laughed. His belly, which is like a bowl full of jelly, shook vigorously.
“You think that’s the only way this orange chucklefuck could be deemed not a real president, Susie? C’mon,” Santa cajoled. “The guy cancels events if he thinks he’ll be asked tough questions. The guy congratulates autocratic dictators on their fake election victories. He tells us that even white supremacists have good people among them. Hell, he doesn’t even know how the government works, and his own cabinet members have repeatedly had to tell him what he wants to do is unconstitutional.”
Susie grew quiet.
“At 58, it’s marginal to believe that this guy is a real president after he’s shown absolutely no presidential behavior, don’t you think, Susie,” Santa asked.
Susie was still very quiet.
“Okay, well I have to run now, Susie,” Santa said. “I hope you enjoyed the presents this year, and please, just think about what I’ve asked you. Look deep inside your heart, and ask yourself, is a white collar crook with a history of tax evasion and self-aggrandizement really a president of anything?”
Upon hearing news of the phone call, President Trump immediately declared war on the North Pole. Once aides explained to him there wasn’t a literal pole up there, though, he canceled the Seal Team 5 mission to climb it and hoist the Trump Tower flag on it. Mr. Trump is currently facing the very real possibility of being just the third president ever impeached by the House of Representatives due to widespread concern that he’s been conditioning U.S. foreign policy on deliverables from allies that would have a great personal benefit to his political career.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.