Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Now That’s She’s Been Struck By a Car, Sarah Palin Supports Crosswalks

Former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin OAN this morning that she “just takes a little longer than normal people” to process and understand basic concepts. During her interview, Palin not only addressed her recent COVID-19 diagnosis and message to supporters to wear masks and take the coronavirus seriously, she also divulged that she’s had another epiphany recently.

“Now, I’m not gonna go all woke on you, fam, dontchaknow” Palin began, “but I’m also pro-crosswalks now. I know I used to call them dangerous government overreach, and I still worry that Big Brother is gonna tell us we can’t step in front of oncoming traffic whenever we want to, I do have to say now that I hope people take crossing the street seriously, and use those crosswalks, people!”

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Half-governor Palin explained that “some people need to get burned by the stove before they realize they shouldn’t put their fingers in the burner.” That’s why it takes some conservatives time to show empathy for people going through traumatic life events. Until they themselves experience something, they don’t believe it’s an issue important enough to care about.

“It happens to us all the time. We don’t care about LGTBQ stuff until our kids tells us they’re gay,” Palin said. “We don’t care about poor people until we lose our lucrative shill and grift jobs and find ourselves needing unemployment. You understand.”

Palin revealed that in addition to wearing a mask to prevent the spread of COVID and learning to appreciate crosswalks, she’s also had some other recent revelations.

“Once the doctor told me the mole was skin cancer, I thought to myself that I prolly shoulda worn more sunscreen, I’ll tell you what,” Palin laughed. “I’ve also become a proponent of public toilets after I shat all over myself during a bike ride.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.