Friday, January 27, 2023

Supreme Court To Carefully Consider Pros, Cons Of Forcing Teens to Have Fathers’ Rape Babies

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the first time in decades, the United States Supreme Court will hear oral arguments this morning in a case that could have a transformative effect on abortion rights in America.

Since 1973, every woman living in the U.S. has enjoyed biological autonomy — the legal right to privacy which enables her to terminate a pregnancy, before the point of medical viability, whenever she and her doctors choose. In red states, however, state legislators have consistently tried to significantly alter the window of time a woman has to seek a legal abortion, if not ban it outright. In the ensuing years since the Roe vs Wade decision in the early 1970’s, social conservatives have sought to have the Supreme Court re-evaluate its decision, end abortion rights in America.

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Heretofore, however, the high court has bolstered and defended Roe. Now, though, after Sen. Mitch McConnell (Q-KY) and former President Don Trump (Confederacy) ignored the Constitution and rammed three conservative judges onto the bench, legal experts feel this could be the most jeopardy abortion rights have faced since Roe. This morning, the court could be taking its first steps toward forcing every woman in America into the role of a subservient birthing cow.

“At its core, what we are going to do is quite simple. We’re going to examine and consider the pros and cons of forcing teenagers in the Bible Belt, and really all over this great nation, into carrying their fathers’ rape babies to full term,” Justice Brett Kavanaugh told Christofascist Weekly in an interview this summer, previewing the case and its implications.

“Obviously, it would be very inappropriate of me to  wade into, or give my thoughts on this case before hearing arguments and evidence. Then again, I do love beer, and I had a ton of them before this interview, so fuck it. I hope we get to put women right back where they belong — barefoot, pregnant, without a high school diploma, and unable to legally obtain their driver’s license. God willing, we’ll get that chance.”

A few weeks back, Amy Covid Barret, the newest member of the Supreme Court, spoke on Fox News Sunday Morning to anchor Chris Wallace. Barrett, unlike Kavanaugh, stopped short of supplying any insights into what her decisions may or may not be. Justice Barrett did essentially frame the potential consequences of the case in much the same way Kavanaugh did, though.

“Under His eye, we will guide this nation forward into a new understanding of the importance of every unborn, potential, could-be life form. Despite not being able to adequately care for the millions of Americans already born and living today, we must ask ourselves, shouldn’t a 13-year old be forced by the government to view her cousin’s rape baby as a blessing from God,” Barrett wondered aloud.

Justice Clarence Thomas, on his way into court to hear arguments this morning, gave a few brief comments.

“Hey, is that a pubic hair on your microphone? HA HA! Call-back! Anyway, what we’re going to do here today is weigh, with deep concern and solemn spirit, whether a girl, at sixteen, is capable of making a mature decision about her uncle’s rape baby’s future and right to life,” Thomas said.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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