WASHINGTON, D.C. — A sculptor in the nation’s capital almost made quite an embarrassing mistake, but at the time of publication, all seems to have settled back down to the normal state of affairs.
At about noon today, Carol Warmack, a sculptor in residence at the D.C. Metropolitan Pottery Museum, nearly threw out an entire U.S. Senator because she thought he looked an awful lot like a lump of clay that she’d let sit out too long. Fortunately for both Warmack and the senator, however, she realized her mistake just as she was about to heave what she thought was the clump of unused clay into the incinerator. Currently, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) is resting peacefully, shaken, though confident he’ll recover fully.
“I was cleaning up my studio space, just having some coffee and listening to some tunes on the radio,” Carol told us, “and I found this big, massive lump of what I thought was some of my clay on the ground. I probably should’ve noticed the American flag lapel pin on his suit, and maybe thought to myself why a lump of clay would wear a suit in the first place, but what can I say? The thought just didn’t occur to me.”
As she went to pick up the clay off the floor, she noticed it was unusually heavy, and unlike other times in the past, smaller chunks of the clay weren’t coming off. It was all staying together. The clay even laughed a little when she reached under what appeared to be the clay’s armpits to try and drag it out to the incinerator.
“I guess I just was really not thinking clearly, because when it became obvious that it was too heavy to move, I grabbed a flatbed dolly cart and somehow got that lump of featureless, formless clay onto it,” Carol told us, “and I was off to the incinerator.”
As she wheeled the lump of lifeless clay — or so she thought — down the long hallway from her studio to the shop’s incineration room, Carol says she started hearing the clay mumbling things. It wasn’t obvious right away what the clay was saying, as it had a considerable southern drawl regardless of being a piece of clay, but it wasn’t long before Ms. Warmack started thinking that something wasn’t completely as it should be.
“He kept going on and on about how insulting it was to be called Moscow Mitch, which I thought was really odd for a couple reasons,” Carol said, “the first of which being that clay shouldn’t be speaking, and the second being that he said it in Russian. It wasn’t until I got to the incinerator room, though, that I put it all together.”
As she was about to heave the lump of clay into the furnace and burn it away forever, it hit Carol like a ton of bricks who was in the room with her.
“He started screeching and howling and asking for his mama,” Carol said, “and then I heard him shout, ‘Tell my beloved hunk of coal I’ve been fucking for the last twenty years I love her, and will miss her!’ that I knew. I knew who it was.”
After debating with herself for a full half an hour, Warmack says she decided against chucking McConnell into the fire anyway.
“I just couldn’t do it. Getting the stench of lies, borscht, and treason out of the studio would have been a real bee-hatch,” Warmack said, “and plus, if I incinerated him, there’d just be a couple dozen more right behind him to take his place, like cancer. Like shitty, misogynist, corrupted, pious and hypocritical cancer.”
Instead of hurling what she thought was a lump of unused, disgusting clay into the incinerator, Carol says she decided to just call an Uber for McConnell. Warmack says she’s learned to be extra careful in the future. However, she said that if McConnell happens to wind up in her studio again, she can’t promise she’ll be paying close enough attention the next time around.
“But I’m not looking to win any medals of valor or anything any time soon,” Warmack said, “so hopefully he just sticks to the aquariums he’s used to.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”