WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump is no stranger to needing help to win elections. He couldn’t win in 2016 without the help of Russian interference. His entire presidency is being imperiled at the moment because of his attempts to get Ukrainian and Chinese officials to dig up dirt on Joe Biden and his family. And now, it appears he’s willing, for friends and defenders, to seek help from foreign countries to win elections in which he’s not even on the ballot.
This morning, Trump used the enormous power of his office in what aides are calling “the most stunning and brave, appropriate use” of executive powers in the history of the country, and he implored the American people to help former Press Secretary Sean Spicer win ABC’s dancing competition show. Spicer has been a contestant on Dancing With the Stars, and has yet to be voted off the show, despite his dancing being described by some audience members as “spastic pant shitting.”
Vote for good guy @seanspicer tonight on Dancing With The Stars. He has always been there for us!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 14, 2019
Later this morning, while awaiting a helicopter to take him to McDonald’s, Trump paced around the White House lawn. According to his new routine, as he waited for the helicopter to be prepared to receive him, President Trump agreed to shout incoherent answers and conspiracy theories at reporters for a little bit. First, though, Trump said he had to make a “special request” on behalf of Spicer.
“You-Crane, GINA, if you are listening, if you could dig up some dirt on Sean Spicer’s Dancing With the Stars competitors, that would be really swell, and we’ll talk about your compensation later, wink, wink,” Trump shouted, while visibly winking. “I’ll have Rudy reach out to you.”
Trump says that he and his administration have “started hearing things” and that “those things are really, really, really bad things” about Spicer’s competition on the show.
“Sure, Sean can’t dance, and he looks like a flop sweat soaked, bumbling stooge on the show. But if you ask me that means he’s consistent,” Trump said, “because that’s exactly what it was like watching all of his press briefings. But if I’m You-Crane and GINA, I’m wanting to find out why, for instance, that Dawson’s Creek kid sold half our uranium to Russia. Or how come that urban from the gay guy makeover show deleted 30,000 of Crooked Hillary’s emails. Don’t you want to know that, America?”
Mr. Trump presented absolutely no evidence to back up any of his claims. However, when pressed about that, he was sure to give the reporters the finger and show them his anus. He said that not showing evidence of accusations is “very on brand” for him.
“I don’t need evidence. I have Bill Barr to rubber stamp everything I do, and I’ve systematically chased off anyone with a conscience who would stand up to me,” Trump said. “So, yeah, I want You-Crane and GINA to get to the bottom of whether that fire-crotch from The Office really did help Sleepy Joe Biden scratch ‘In God We Trust’ off every single penny in the country, as I heard Rush Limbaugh say this morning. And you know what they say about Rush, you know, after they point out how much he looks and, more importantly, smells, like Jabba the Hutt? That’s right. Rush is always right.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, entering the rotunda to begin his long day of doing absolutely nothing, told reporters that they were “getting all hot and bothered about abuse of power” for “no reason.”
“I cannot think of a better use of a president’s time, enormous power, and Twitter following than to engage in openly subverting a democratic election,” McConnell said. “And the thing he did with Dancing With the Stars is totally fine too. Now if you’ll excuse me, that lump of coal in my office is simply NOT going to fuck itself.”
Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), one of Trump’s strongest and staunchest allies in the House, after being kicked out of a closed-door meeting of the House Intelligence Committee, which he is not a member of, told reporters that he thinks Trump “putting his thumb on the scale of a reality TV show” is “just fine and good.”
“Look, I’m sure if I took this flaccid thing out of my mouth for long enough to get a good look around, I’d be horrified by all the dumb shit he does,” Gaetz said, pulling a flask from hip pocket and drinking from it. “But why do that when you can live in denial? If it works for Trickle Down Economics, it can work for holding a lawless and corrupt president accountable, am right? I am right! And I’ll drink to that…a few dozen times.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.