Thursday, June 8, 2023

Second Amendment Enthusiast Can’t Wait to Try Out His Penis Pump Action Shotgun

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster, YouTube star, and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins has, by his estimation, about 53 different firearms in his collection. But the gun he just bought last weekend at a swap meet has him “more exciteder” than he’s ever been before, he told his audience in last night’s edition of show.

“Fam, I gotsta tell you something right now, and I can literally barely contain my excitement,” Jethro said, reaching down below the frame of the video, and pulling up a new shotgun he’d bought. “This here is the new baby I’m welcoming to my arsenal — excuse me, family. It’s a penis pump action shotgun! I’ve heard about these from friends on gun message boards, but never thought I’d get the chance to own one myself.”

Bohiggins said he was visiting friends in a nearby town, when he found out there was a Reamington factory just up the street. Reamington is the company that manufactures the PP-69 penis pump action shotgun. In order rack a shotgun shell, the owner needs to insert his penis into the penis pump attached to the gun, and “pump” his hips a few times.

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“I honestly cannot tell you how amazing it is to literally cock your gun,” Jethro said, a gleam in his eye. “I’m on cloud nine right now, fam. This is easily one of the best days of my life. Prolly better than the day I married my wife, and said back then that family reunion was the best day ever. So clearly, this gun is making my life way, way better already.”

Mr. Bohiggins says the Constitution gives him the right to not only bear arms, but to “lay pipe.”

“Sure, it says I have a right to bear arms, but it also says I have a right to lay pipe on those arms,” Bohiggins said emphatically, “and you can quote me on that, fam!”

Jethro said that he and his cousins took a trip up to the Reamington factory, and were able to convince the head of sales to allow Jethro to purchase a penis pump action shotgun at a deeply discounted rate. Bohiggins says that he and his new shotgun are a “perfect, most natural fit” for one another.

“I already use my guns to make my penis feel bigger,” Jethro explained, “andnow I get to use to literally make it bigger, fam!”

There have been a few drawbacks to owning such a weapon, Jethro has found, however.

“I haven’t been able to find a range that’ll let me bring my PP-69 in though, fam,” Bohiggins complained. “Apparently they don’t think it’s conducive to a business environment to have a bunch of guys there humping their shotguns with their pants around their ankles. I think I might start filing lawsuits soon, though, because I’m pretty sure that’s a violation of my Second Amendment rights.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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