Thursday, March 30, 2023

Secret Service Wants to Question McCain Eulogists For Slaying Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At this hour, the Secret Service is confirming that they will be reaching out to former Presidents George W. Bush and Barack Obama, as well as Meghan McCain and Joe Lieberman. The issue at hand is whether they knew, as they were eulogizing the late Senator John McCain, that they were “absolutely killing” the current president.

“Look, our number one priority is making sure no one kills the president,” one Secret Service agent speaking on the condition of anonymity told us. “So when you have not one, not two, but four people who just absolutely slay him? Well, we have to investigate that, don’t we?”

While almost all the living presidents were in attendance — Jimmy Carter is in a renewed battle against cancer and was not there — the current occupant of the White House was not at McCain’s funeral. This was at the direct request of Senator McCain’s family. Meghan, his daughter, opened the salvos on the 45th president.

“We gather here to mourn the passing of American greatness — the real thing, not cheap rhetoric from men who will never come near the sacrifice he gave so willingly, nor the opportunistic appropriation of those who lived lives of comfort and privilege while he suffered and served.” – Meghan McCain, 9/1/2018

Both Presidents Obama and Bush also rebuked the current president, however neither did so by invoking him by name. Instead, both men spoke to the need for leaders who understand American principles transcend politics, and who shun despots, and dictators instead of acting like them. There was no mistaking what the subtext of either man’s speeches were — public excoriation of the man who holds the same office they held.

“Bush isn’t even that smart and he absolutely destroyed Orange Fanta Balls,” our Secret Service contact told us, using the code name the current president was assigned by the agency. “And Obama? Man, I forgot what it was like having a president with an IQ north of his age and bankruptcy filing chapters.”

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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