Trump Orders Secret Service to Confiscate Greta Thunberg’s Staring Daggers

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President Donald Trump has ordered the Secret Service to contact young climate activist Greta Thunberg, demanding they confiscate her “staring daggers,” as he described them.

“I was watching videos of me last night, which every good, clean, white president does, to inflate his ego, because it’s very important to protect a president’s ego,” Trump explained to reporters this morning, “and someone showed me video of that nasty little mean girl when I walked passed her. Someone said to me, ‘She looks like she’s staring daggers at you, sir.’ And that’s when I knew I had to demand the Secret Service do something, so I hereby ordered it.”

Mr. Trump has directed the Secret Service to track down Ms. Thunberg, who delivered a blistering speech about climate change to the United Nations before Trump got a chance to speak this morning, and take away the daggers she stared at him.

Nancy Pelosi Still Can’t Find Her Constitutional Authority To Hold Trump Accountable

“They say she was staring daggers at me, which means, I think, the Secret Service should take those weapons from her,” Trump insisted. “Because no one is allowed to threaten a president. I found that out during the Previous Black Administration. No matter how much I pointed out his blackness, they kept telling me I couldn’t legally threaten him. Which seems weird, given how rich and white I am, but that’s all water under the bridge, now. I want to focus on this little miniature terrorist who clearly was trying to stare her daggers right into my heart! And good luck with that, Sweetie, because you gotta get through the protective layer of plaque and artery build-up first!”

President Trump explained that he “has no choice” but to order the Secret Service to act. 

“Hey, we’ve all heard that phrase, ‘If looks could kill,’ and it’s pretty obvious what she was thinking in that moment,” Trump explained. “I had no choice! She was going to kill me with her staring daggers! So clearly we have to arrest her for a thinky-crime, because she was thinky-ing about hurting me, your dear president!”

Trump says that he isn’t, at this time, asking for Thunberg to be arrested or detained.

“While she is definitely a foreigner and a child in our country, and I definitely like caging people like that in camps,” Trump said, “she’s unfortunately the wrong shade of foreigner child for me to convince Stephen Miller we should. So at this time, all we want is for her mean staring daggers to be taken away from her. Because that was very mean how she stared at me. She bullied me. And I feel sad about that. I have feelings too!”

Trump farted.

“Wait. What was I saying,” Trump said, as if suddenly waking up. “Oh, right — NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, CROOKED HILLARY, OBAMA FISA, BOB MUELLER’S SIX TRILLION DEMOCRATS! Phew! That feels better. Okay, gotta go tweet and shit from toilet — excuse me, have Executive Time.”

Studies Show Mitch McConnell In Unique Position To Help U.S. Fund Medicare For All

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.


  • Show Comments


You May Also Like

Ivanka Trump Refutes Key Details Of Stormy Daniels Tell-All

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Adult film star Stormy Daniels made enormous waves on social and ...

A group of Internet Evangelical Christians publish an ALL CAPS version of the Bible.

Internet Evangelical Christians Publishes ALL CAPS Bible

Topeka, KS — In effort to proclaim that ‘Kingdom of Heaven is at hand,’ ...

After 16 years since his death, the Johnny Cash estate decided to release over 14 hours of the rebel artist's mumblings.

Johnny Cash Estate to Release 14 Hours of the Artist’s Mumbling

New York, NY — The estate of Johnny Cash and New York City-based Posterity Records ...