NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President Donald Trump has ordered the Secret Service to contact young climate activist Greta Thunberg, demanding they confiscate her “staring daggers,” as he described them.
“I was watching videos of me last night, which every good, clean, white president does, to inflate his ego, because it’s very important to protect a president’s ego,” Trump explained to reporters this morning, “and someone showed me video of that nasty little mean girl when I walked passed her. Someone said to me, ‘She looks like she’s staring daggers at you, sir.’ And that’s when I knew I had to demand the Secret Service do something, so I hereby ordered it.”
Mr. Trump has directed the Secret Service to track down Ms. Thunberg, who delivered a blistering speech about climate change to the United Nations before Trump got a chance to speak this morning, and take away the daggers she stared at him.
“They say she was staring daggers at me, which means, I think, the Secret Service should take those weapons from her,” Trump insisted. “Because no one is allowed to threaten a president. I found that out during the Previous Black Administration. No matter how much I pointed out his blackness, they kept telling me I couldn’t legally threaten him. Which seems weird, given how rich and white I am, but that’s all water under the bridge, now. I want to focus on this little miniature terrorist who clearly was trying to stare her daggers right into my heart! And good luck with that, Sweetie, because you gotta get through the protective layer of plaque and artery build-up first!”
President Trump explained that he “has no choice” but to order the Secret Service to act.
“Hey, we’ve all heard that phrase, ‘If looks could kill,’ and it’s pretty obvious what she was thinking in that moment,” Trump explained. “I had no choice! She was going to kill me with her staring daggers! So clearly we have to arrest her for a thinky-crime, because she was thinky-ing about hurting me, your dear president!”
Trump says that he isn’t, at this time, asking for Thunberg to be arrested or detained.
“While she is definitely a foreigner and a child in our country, and I definitely like caging people like that in camps,” Trump said, “she’s unfortunately the wrong shade of foreigner child for me to convince Stephen Miller we should. So at this time, all we want is for her mean staring daggers to be taken away from her. Because that was very mean how she stared at me. She bullied me. And I feel sad about that. I have feelings too!”
“Wait. What was I saying,” Trump said, as if suddenly waking up. “Oh, right — NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, CROOKED HILLARY, OBAMA FISA, BOB MUELLER’S SIX TRILLION DEMOCRATS! Phew! That feels better. Okay, gotta go tweet and shit from toilet — excuse me, have Executive Time.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.