ASSHOLE DOUCHEBAG TOWN, TEXAS — Scott Scooterson is a self-described “selfish fuck.” It’s important to understand that, Scott says, if you’re going to be his friend, or associate with him in any way.
“I always, always look out for myself first, and everyone else if I feel like it,” Scott told our reporter when their interview session began. “I make sure that I’m taken care of, and if you get taken care of too, I don’t really fucking care. Know what I mean? Not that I care if you don’t know what I mean.”
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Scott hates being asked to do favors. He finds it “completely un-American” to be asked to help out with something that doesn’t directly benefit him. Mr. Scooterson does not take kindly when he’s asked to requests for charity donations. One time, Scott says that he saw an elderly woman trying to cross the street the same he was, and he made sure he gave her the finger and told her to hurry it up when he ran by her.
But perhaps nothing has made his selfish fuck rage boil quite so much as the last few weeks of COVID-19 quarantine. Scott says that he’s been outraged and incensed at being asked to stay home as much as possible to protect vulnerable communities and healthcare workers. What he’s really upset about more than anything right now though? Being asked to wear a mask by his local mayor and city council whenever visiting businesses in his area.
“If this isn’t exactly like the Jews being forced to sew yellow stars on their clothes, I don’t know what is,” Scott reasoned with us. “This is, quite literally and exactly, what the Germans did to the Jews. Or at least that’s the impression I get from listening to talk radio.”
Not one to use just one desperate, flailing, comically absurd metaphor at a time, Scott also compared mask regulations in his town to the practice of slavery. Scooterson said he and his fellow “good, clean, anti-masking American patriotic brothers and sisters” are being treated “exactly like slaves.” Scott did admit, however, that “maybe it’s not totally as bad as slavery,” though he hedged there a bit, too.
“I don’t know that this is worse than slavery,” Scott mused, “but sure feels like it’s right up there with it. It’s like, if being asked to wear a mask isn’t EXACTLY like slavery, it’s slavery-lite. It’s slavery-ish, is all I’m saying.”
Local authorities they had some internal debate as to just what classification they should file Scott under.
“At first we thought he might just be a selfish fuck,” City Manager Skip Malloy said, “but after investigating his social media posts and seeing he shares stuff from Alex Jones and QANON, we downgraded him to stupid selfish fuck.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.