Thursday, May 13, 2021

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Simon & Schuster Says Fact-Checked Kellyanne Conway Memoir Fits on Four Pages

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Former White House Senior Bullshit Adviser Kellyanne Conway has written a memoir about her time in the Donald Trump administration, and publisher Simon & Schuster will be printing and selling copies. In a new press release to generate buzz for Conway’s recounting of her time in one of the most written-about administrations in presidential history, Simon & Schuster teased some preliminary details about the book.

“When former White House adviser Kellyanne Conway’s new memoir, tentatively titled ‘The Alternative Facts of my Life,’ reaches bookshelves later this year,” the publishing titan wrote in their statement, “readers will be treated a truly insider’s view into the Donald J. Trump administration, as if they were right there, watching him grab pussies and hit on his daughter right in the Oval Office with Kellyanne. They’ll hear tales of microwaves that spied on her, and the real reason why the Bowling Green Massacre was covered up by the mainstream press.”

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Sources at Simon & Schuster say that some executives were worried about signing a deal with any former Trump officials, due to the low literacy rates of their potential readership. However, the company revealed that they have found a way to keep Conway’s book a “light, breezy read,” and will also be releasing a coloring and picture book version of the memoir.

“When she submitted her first draft of the book, Kellyanne gave us over 900 pages to work with,” Simon & Schuster explained. “After careful fact-checking and research, we were able to whittle that draft down to just under four full pages. This means that the book will be easy enough for any MAGA fan to read as long as they have a few weeks to get through it.”

Ms. Conway’s book will also be printed on recycled toilet paper so that readers can “get at least something of value” from it. Simon & Schuster is billing her book as the “greatest collection of fictitious stories since the Holy Bible.”

MORE: BUSH APOLOGIZES FOR NOT TURNING OFF BATHROOM LIGHT OR AFGHANISTAN WAR WHEN HE LEFT THE WHITE HOUSE

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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