Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Sinema Worries Her Party Might Try to Pass Its Agenda in Response to Youngkin Victory

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A distraught Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (D?-AZ) told reporters as she arrived for work today that she is “extremely worried and afraid” in the wake of a disastrous night in Virginia for her party.

Republican Glenn Youngkin managed to thread the needle and entice voters to his side by not fully distancing himself from Don Trump while also pointing out their similarities. Youngkin defeated Democrat Terry McAuliffe, who was attempting to get back into the governor’s mansion Hillary Clinton style — by not showing much effort and assuming he could win by not being tied to Trump. Sinema said that she has “grave and terrible feelings” about how the Democrats will react, perhaps feeling pressure to speed up the timetable and get President Joe Biden’s boldly progressive agenda, which she used to pretend to support, passed. Sinema, wearing a designer dress, explained her feelings as she headed to a meeting with Senate Republicans.

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“I’m just beside myself with worry, if I’m being honest. I can hardly bring myself to do a performative show for attention,” Sinema said, visibly holding back tears.

“I have a feeling that I know what’s going to happen, and it’s a deeply disturbing feeling at that. People in my party are going to get antsy, and start suggesting that we can win back voters by doing things that make their lives better. Nothing is as dangerous, in my view, as a government attempting to make life better for the people who literally fund said government.”

Sinema said she would discuss strategies with the Republicans today, in the hopes she can bolster their efforts to stymie her party’s agenda.

“I ran on a platform of pretending to support progressivity, but nobody saw me crossing my fingers behind my back the whole time,” Sinema explained.

“Deep down, I truly think the best way to help this country is to keep everyone right where they are. Keep the poor extremely poor. Keep the wealthy extremely wealthy. Poverty is a character builder, or whatever. Anyway, I’m off to meet with the Republicans and then do a photoshoot for Turncoat Magazine. See ya laterrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”

Sinema boarded a scooter and scooted off to her meeting.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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