WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though it’s officially a branch of the U.S. Armed Forces, President Donald Trump’s first assignment for his Space Force is one that might be more traditionally handled by the FBI. No stranger to using unusual channels for investigative work, however, Trump has directed Space Force to “immediately research and get to the bottom” of allegations against former President Joe Biden that the president was made aware of via 4chan and Stephen Miller’s regular recitation of Breitbart headlines, which Trump calls his “unintelligence briefings.”
At just after noon today, President Trump issued an order to Space Force, commanding them to “begin immediate planning” for missions to a planet within Earth’s solar system. The purpose of the mission? To investigate former Vice President Joe Biden and his son, Hunter. It’s a scenario that sounds familiar to those who follow American politics, but with one major twist. Trump is sending Space Force investigators to a planet that hasn’t been on the radar for much more than continued scientific information, but Trump says Miller’s briefings have “brought some stuff to light” that he feels needs to be looked into.
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“I hereby order Space Force to make ready plans for interplanetary travel to investigate deep, serious allegations of Joe Biden’s gross Neptune-ism,” Trump said with authority in his voice as he swept a giant crayon over an official order in the Oval Office this afternoon. “Everyone who knows me, and has known me the longest, understands how much I hate the corruption of Neptune-ism.”
President Trump stopped short of saying the Biden’s Neptune-ism is a crime. He did however harshly criticize the former Vice President for “handing everything to his kids without them doing anything for it.” Moments later, Trump would contend he had no idea what the word “hypocrisy” means, and then threaten anyone who used it around him with immediate arrest and charges of treason.
“If Joe Biden wants to help his son Hunter get a job, he should do it the way real, true American patriots do it and just hand him control of his vast business empire he started with a million dollar loan from his own father,” Trump insisted. “Americans understand that’s the good, clean, ammo hoarding, white-skinned way to ensure your kids get to benefit from the work of others, and the fact that Sleepy Joe wants to do his dirty deeds on Neptune just makes my blood boil, too!”
It’s unclear at this time exactly what the Biden’s Neptune-ism would mean to the American people, nor if it violates any ethical standards or laws.
“All I’m saying is that I’m America First, remember? I’m America First,” Trump explained. “Sleepy Cryin’ Crazy Eyes Crooked Joe Biden? He’s obviously Neptune First. It’s one thing if he didn’t put America first. I don’t get it myself, but it’s nowhere near as bad as putting a whole other planet in our galaxy ahead of America! And I don’t think the American people will let Joe get away with it. Sad!”
Once they’ve wrapped up their mission to uncover and document Biden’s Neptune-ism, Trump has two more missions in mind for Space Force.
“First of off, they’re going to split up between boys and girls. Girl Space Forcers will go to Jupiter,” Trump said, “you know, to get more stupider. The boys will go to Mars to get more candy bars. People elected me to bring this country back to its basics, and that’s what the Space Force is gonna do, by God.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.