Thursday, June 8, 2023

Start-Up Facing Backlash over Patented Spider Air Filters

A Texas start-up’s innovative “spider” air filters has become an issue for hundreds of American homes.
A Texas start-up’s innovative “spider” air filters has become an issue for hundreds of American homes.

SUGARLAND, TX — Texas start-up Breathe-Clean® has come under fire for its SpiderEasy line of hypoallergenic air-filters which feature live genetically modified arachnids who, in the words of company spokesperson Bethany Millbright “eat the particles that humans can’t see.”

Trouble started late last week when beta customers reported thousands of spiders spilling out of their furnace filters and into their homes. Making matters worse, the GMO species of spiders are particularly active at night, which lead to the creatures being unnoticed by most homeowners until they awake in the morning.

“Well I’ll be damned,” said St. Paul, Minneapolis test customer Dale Decker. “I have terrible allergies and I thought SpiderEasy would really help. And they did. But when I got up in the middle of the night to check on the kids, what I thought were Lego piece on the floor were these spiders. I must have crunched a few hundred.”

According to Breathe-Clean Founder and CEO, Dr. Wilhelm Sarcophagus, they might have to go back to the drawing board.

“The idea was that the spiders would live in a self-sustaining colony within the filter’s honeycomb system,” said Dr. Sarcophagus. “But there were a few things we didn’t control for in our lab testing. Things like humidity and a few other environmental vectors. Needless to say, in some parts of the country, the spiders over-reproduced and more strangely, tripled in size in some instances leading to mass overflows of spider populations.”

According to company spokesperson Bethany Millbright, there’s nothing to be worried about.

“Look, these spiders are harmless,” said Ms. Millbright taking a deep breath. “People get so uneasy about this important insect. And while we are certainly sorry for any inconvenience the few thousand or so spiders might have caused in our test homes, they pose no threat.”

Breathe-Clean has promised to provide eradication services for those customers who are too freaked out to stomp the spiders in their homes.

Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue, and seldom loses. Mostly because he's well informed. And somewhat gassy
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