Tuesday, December 7, 2021

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CDC Releases New Urgent Guidelines for “Safe and Healthy” Circle Jerking

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control have issued brand new, updated guidance they say is meant to "shed light on safe and healthy" ways to stand in a circle and masturbate with or on several other people,...

Babylon Bee Writer Laughing At “Blazing Saddles” for All The Wrong Reasons

Beau McGriff has been writing for the website known as The Babylon Bee for a few months now. Fresh out of seminary school, Beau applied to write for many outlets that he felt fit his lifestyle and point of view, which...

CDC Study Shows Wearing a Mask Reduces Spreading Selfish Douchebaggery by 100%

HOTLANTA, GEORGIA -- Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention just released a new study that they are hoping "settles and puts to rest some of the lingering questions" Americans might have about wearing facial coverings out...

Basic White Woman Who’s Never Interacted With Cops Against Defunding Them

LAS ESTUPIDAS BLANCAS, CALIFORNIA -- 38 year old cosmetics consultant Christiana Vacaciones says she has "many black friends" and that none of them have ever told her to her face that her beliefs about Black Lives Matters, and policing...

Selfish Fuck Oppressed by Polite Request to Wear Face Mask in Public

ASSHOLE DOUCHEBAG TOWN, TEXAS -- Scott Scooterson is a self-described "selfish fuck." It's important to understand that, Scott says, if you're going to be his friend, or associate with him in any way. "I always, always look out for myself...

Man Is ‘Blown Away’ How Much ‘It Stinks’ That His Girlfriend Can’t Stop Farting During Quarantine

BROWN CLOUD, CALIFORNIA -- He says that there is "absolutely no chance" of it breaking them up, but that doesn't mean 37 year old Tad Toddley is thrilled that his girlfriend, 34 year old Kelly Olsen, has been "farting...

Participants Agree Zoom Orgy Only 30% Less Creepy Than In-Person One

Participants in an orgy via the group video chat app "Zoom" told our reporter afterward that it was only about 30% less creepy to be in a tele-orgy than it is to be in one in-person. Due to the...

Jesus Sees Image of Potato Chip in Bathroom Mirror

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- This weekend, Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Trinity, Inc's CEO Larry "God" Schumway, was brushing his holy teeth, and saw something he told friends and colleagues was "really crazy" and that he'd never seen...

Local Couple: Sex Was Really Good Until Husband Got Involved

DISAPPOINTMENT GULCH, ARIZONA -- In an interview with Couples Weekly, Tabitha and Mick Garrison -- married since August 2002 -- said that their recent sexual activity with one another was going, according to Tabatha, "really, really well," but then...

CDC Suggests Chronic Masturbators Replace Regular Lube With Hand Sanitizer

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Doctors with the Centers for Disease Control issued new guidance this morning, urging those who chronically masturbate to "immediately consider" replacing their normal "jack lube" with "an antimicrobial or hand sanitizer" until the COVID-19 outbreak has...
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Biden Sells White House Naming Rights to Soros, Inc for $666 Trillion

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden signed an agreement today that authorizes a name change to the historic residence...
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