Sunday, September 25, 2022

coronavirus memes

Bill Gates Offers to Buy and Delete Elon Musk

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON -- Billionaire tech titan Bill Gates is reportedly close to making one of the biggest offers of his life to another another billionaire in his same industry, Elon Musk. According to several sources close to Mr. Gates,...

CDC Suggests Chronic Masturbators Replace Regular Lube With Hand Sanitizer

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Doctors with the Centers for Disease Control issued new guidance this morning, urging those who chronically masturbate to "immediately consider" replacing their normal "jack lube" with "an antimicrobial or hand sanitizer" until the COVID-19 outbreak has...

Local Cannibal Experiencing COVID-19 Panic

LAKE MANGEUR  D'HOMME, MINNESOTA -- Terry Homocomedenti wasn't really too nervous about the novel coronavirus pandemic up until about three or four days ago, he told us in a recent Skype interview. Terry is a 34 year old civil...

WHO Strongly Cautions Against Human Centipedes of More Than 7 People

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND -- The World Health Organization issued an urgent advisory to all human beings on planet Earth, pleading with them to consider limiting all human centipedes to seven people at a maximum. The WHO's new announcement comes as...

Local Perv Weighs Risk of Breaking Coronavirus Quarantine to Watch You Shower Anyway

LA VALLE SIN ROPA, CALIFORNIA -- Nate Robertson is a 45 year old self-described "perv" whose biggest thrill in life is watching you take a shower. The key, he says, is you not knowing he's watching you take a...

Local Woman Totally Judging What’s In Your Coronavirus Quarantine Preparation Shopping Cart

BECKY FALLS, MINNESOTA -- 43-year old Christina "Christy" Tomjanovich is judging the ever loving hell out of that shopping cart you're pushing. To be fair to Christy, she always judges what's in people's carts. Whether it's because they're buying...

Report: People Were Socially Distancing Themselves From You Way Before Coronavirus

The CDC has recently issued guidelines for reducing the spread of the novel coronavirus, which include a request to consider "social distancing" at large gatherings. In a nutshell, the CDC says you should consider delaying or calling off any...

Postponed Coachella Will Now Offer $1200 Boutique Coronavirus Testing Tent

CALIFORNIA -- This week, under mounting pressure from a potential pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, the organizers of the Coachella music and arts festival postponed the event, moving the dates from April to October. It came during a...

Man Buys All of Store’s Toilet Paper and Canned Chili to Survive Coronavirus Quarantine

MIERDALIQUIDA VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- A grocery store on Main Street has reported that one man, 52-year old Lance Borestein, just left their parking lot after having purchased every single can of chili and package of toilet paper on their...
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God Apologizes For Not Telling Everyone About His Great Replacement Project Sooner

After a white supremacist gunman's killing spree in Buffalo, New York over the weekend revealed the shooter's manifesto included...
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