Sunday, September 25, 2022

coronavirus

Fauci Suggests a Lobotomy Might Cure Rand Paul’s ‘Bullshit-itis’

"And let me be crystal clear -- I only say 'might' because we have to first confirm he has anything to lobotomize." WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sen. Rand Paul (Q-KY) clearly has it out for Dr. Anthony Fauci. Some speculate that Sen....

Scientists Developing Covid Vaccine That Will Also Shut Meghan McCain the Fuck Up

Calling it "one of the most important and necessary endeavors" of her career, Dr. Kimberly Manheimsteemrohler told a radio host today that she and her fellow researchers at Northwest Southern Idaho University are close to a true medical breakthrough. "If...

Trump Claims Pfizer and Moderna ‘Had Never Even Heard of Vaccines’ Until He Told Them to Make One

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Since the end of 2019, the entire planet has been trying to work around and fight against the novel coronavirus, or COVID-19. A global pandemic outbreak has rattled the global economy and in the United States...

CDC Releases New Urgent Guidelines for “Safe and Healthy” Circle Jerking

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control have issued brand new, updated guidance they say is meant to "shed light on safe and healthy" ways to stand in a circle and masturbate with or on several other people,...

Mickey and Minnie Mouse Sue Disney After Being Hospitalized With COVID-19 Symptoms

WHORELANDO, FLORIDA -- In what can surely be described as a truly unforeseen turn of events, Mickey and Minnie Mouse have files papers in Florida district court, suing their employer. MORE: Redskins Rename Themselves to Honor Those Offended by Team’s...

CDC Study Shows Wearing a Mask Reduces Spreading Selfish Douchebaggery by 100%

HOTLANTA, GEORGIA -- Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention just released a new study that they are hoping "settles and puts to rest some of the lingering questions" Americans might have about wearing facial coverings out...

Bill Gates Offers to Buy and Delete Elon Musk

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON -- Billionaire tech titan Bill Gates is reportedly close to making one of the biggest offers of his life to another another billionaire in his same industry, Elon Musk. According to several sources close to Mr. Gates,...

Man on COVID Quarantine Really Missing Taco Bell Shits

LA MIERDA LIQUIDA, CALIFORNIA -- Getting used to living in the post-coronavirus America has taken some work for 34 year old California resident Mike McMichaelson. He's had to start working from home, which is something he'd always wanted to...

Quarantine Panic! Man Already Masturbated to Everything on Pornhub That Doesn’t Involve Incest

STROHK LAKE, CALIFORNIA -- "Wait. Son of a bitch! I've gone in a circle jerk!" John Puhdzingert's roommate recalls that the words, in her words, "rang out like a shot in the night." Confined to their three-bedroom apartment in a...

Participants Agree Zoom Orgy Only 30% Less Creepy Than In-Person One

Participants in an orgy via the group video chat app "Zoom" told our reporter afterward that it was only about 30% less creepy to be in a tele-orgy than it is to be in one in-person. Due to the...
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God Apologizes For Not Telling Everyone About His Great Replacement Project Sooner

After a white supremacist gunman's killing spree in Buffalo, New York over the weekend revealed the shooter's manifesto included...
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