Saturday, April 10, 2021

Ron Johnson: “I Shouldn’t Have to Take My Hood and Robes Off to Prove I’m not Racist!”

"What makes me racist is my racist views of non-white people! But I didn't even say any of that stuff on the radio last week!"

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Ted Cruz Says If D.C. Gets Statehood, Mar-A-Lago Should Too

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When Joe Biden won the election last year, it was after a campaign in which some rather lofty progressive plans were discussed, including making Washington, D.C. a state, rather than just a territory as it is now. D.C. statehood would give it two Senators, which is one of many reasons why Republicans have been fighting tooth and nail against such plans, as the GOP largely believes that Democrats would easily win the elections for both those new seats.

This week, H.R. 51 — a bill that seeks to make D.C. its own state — was debated and discussed by the House Oversight committee. Unsurprisingly, Republicans on the committee repeatedly attacked the notion of making D.C. a state, despite the fact that more Americans live there than in Wyoming, or either of the Dakotas. Never one to shy away from giving his opinion on things, Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-TX) told Fox News this afternoon that Democrats are “attempting a naked power grab,” however, he also said this could be an “opportunity for compromise” with the Dems.

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“Now, I of course will continue to be against D.C. getting statehood as long as Donald Trump doesn’t support it,” Cruz said. “However, perhaps if we’re not too hasty we can come up with a fair compromise together. For instance, if the Democrats are going to insist that D.C. get statehood just because they pay taxes without full representation — as if that even matters or is a thing anyone ever cared about — then I think we should get to name a new state and I would pick Mar-A-Lago.”

The most current data shows that D.C. enjoys a population of roughly 700,00 people. Not even ten thousand people live full-time at Mar-A-Lago. However, Cruz says that the “egos and feelings” of the people who do live there “far surpass those of anyone living literally anywhere else.”

“Imagine how much good will we could foster with the residents of Mar-A-Lago if we do this for them. Hell, we might even finally get one of them in particular to decree that my ugly wife Heidi isn’t ugly anymore and then I’d get laid again,” Cruz hinted, “but let’s not put the horse faced woman in front of the cart taking us all to Cancun, right?”

The President of Mar-A-Lago issued a brief statement in support of Cruz’s proposal.

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“If they’re gonna give all those, you know, URBANS, two more senators, it’s only fair we get two more ourselves,” the president’s statement declares. “I hereby reject Ted’s request to strip Heidi of her ugliness, but hereby approve his request to make Mar-A-Lago a state. It is so bigly ordered.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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