Sunday, September 19, 2021

Texas Man’s Jizz Sock Reports Him to Abortion Tip Line

CARGA DE BOLAS, TEAXS –When Gov. Greg Abbott signed Texas’ new draconian abortion restriction into law last week, it’s not very likely that he could have foreseen a case like this one.

“Look, did I wanna report Chuck? Of course not. Chuck and me, well Chuck’s cock and me anyway, we go way, way back,” an old, crusty sock told us today via skype. “When you’re someone’s jizz sock, you tend to stick to them for a long time. I don’t claim to be his first, and I’m sure I won’t be his last, but I’ve been Chuck’s cum catcher for over a decade now, so I think that proves how much I truly love him deep down.”

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However, what the jizz sock told us was that no matter how much affection he has for his friend and handler Chuck — whose last name we are withholding due to an ongoing investigation by the Texas Bureau of Spurts and Squirts — he is “first and foremost a law abiding spew mop.”

“They passed that law and Abbott signed it, and suddenly it hit me like a hot load on a Friday night,” the sock explained. “Every time that Chuck goes off in me and then washes me a few months later, he’s technically killing life. I mean, I know the sperms are already dead at that point, but I feel like in the spirit of that new crazy law, I couldn’t take any chances.”

Yesterday morning, the sock turned Chuck into the abortion tip website established by Texas’ new law, which contains a provision that allows private citizens to get up to $10,000 in a cash reward. They just have to give authorities information on who got an abortion, and who helped them get it, if it took place outside of six weeks of pregnancy.

“I just wanted to be on the safe side. I’m not sure I believe that make your weasel go pop in a sock is even close to an abortion,” the sock admitted. “But this is Texas. People are fucking ridiculously weird around here. I didn’t want to get put behind bars or sued for being an accomplice to pre-future-life murder or whatever new category of crime they’ll make up so they can finally see a woman’s who-ha.”

Chuck, through his lawyer, told us that he has no ill will toward his trust jizz sock. Instead, Chuck says he’s a victim of the abortion law “like any 13 year old rape victim will be.”

“People get all excited to write laws when they’re going to ban stuff they think should be banned,” Chuck’s lawyer told us. “However, they don’t really ever think about the other side of the equation; what the prohibition will make people desperate for the prohibited thing do for whatever they’re being told they can’t have.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.