WHITE PLAINS, KANSAS — A spokesman for the Ku Klux Klan formally apologized for racist, pro-Donald Trump pamphlets that the KKK disseminated in Kansas during the 2016 presidential election. Specifically, he apologized for something “egregious” and “inexcusable” about the pamphlets.
The word “polls” was misspelled.
“I’m here to apologize about the pro-Trump leaflets the Ku Klux Klan published and handed out in Kansas a couple years back. We didn’t realize it until we reprinted those pamphlets again this week, and campaign flyers went out with our great organization’s name on them,” Grand Wizard Bill Ricci told reporters outside his single-wide, “and the Klan did not realize until after they’d all been disseminated that there was an egregious spelling error in them.”
When the spelling error was found, Ricci ordered the remaining flyers “burned in a very large oven.” But that’s when his lower-ranking klansmen came back from a singles bar where they were getting phone numbers from women, some of whom weren’t even related to them, and made Ricci aware that the flyers had all been given out already.
“I was so pissed off,” Ricci said, “but I forgave them. I mean, I may be a vitriolic hater, but I have Christian grace. Just not for Jews, Gypsies, or homosexuals is all. You understand.”
Mr. Ricci said that the spelling error showed a “hastiness” and “lack of spell checking” that he said the Klan “just don’t tolerate no more.” Mr. Ricci also said that the people responsible for the spelling mistake were “probably the blacks or Jews or Chinese people” who worked at the UPS store where the flyers were reproduced.
“Ain’t it their job to give the print jobs they’re handed a once-over,” Ricci asked rhetorically, “because they didn’t do it this time. And I am certain thanks to GOVERNMENT regulations about so-called equal employment, that it was probably a minority, woman, or uppity gay who didn’t do their job.”
Grand Wizard Ricci said the spelling error got under his skin so much because of “the implications it implies.”
“That spelling error says to people that we’re dumb and racist,” Ricci said, “and I just can’t handle that. Sure, we may be racist, ignorant dipshits who think white genocide is a thing, but we can spell simple words for Chrissakes.”
A reporter asked Mr. Ricci if there was anything in the flyers he felt was shameful or to be embarrassed about as a grown adult male. Grand Wizard Ricci laughed out loud.
“Of course there is,” Ricci said, “we’re all embarrassed by the spelling error. Haven’t you been listening?”
The same reporter asked Ricci about the racist imagery in the flyer.
“Oh, that, no, that’s the best part,” Ricci said, “hell I like that part even more than the Trump part, know what I mean?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”