Thursday, June 1, 2023

TIME Magazine Names Trump ‘Sore Loser Crybaby Bitch of the Year’

This week, TIME Magazine named President and Vice-President-elect Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as its “Person of the Year” for 2020. Rumor is swirling that a certain occupant of the Oval Office — whose time there is running incredibly short — is none too pleased about his political adversaries winning the award, and he reportedly called the editors of TIME to complain.

“This morning, President Trump placed a call to the editorial board of TIME Magazine,” White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows announced, “and he made them aware of how badly his feelings were hurt by their decision. He warned them that it’s perfectly within his rights as president to declare literal war on them, and their publication, if they didn’t immediately atone for their sins against our Dear President.”

According to Meadows, the TIME editorial staff was not receptive to walking back or rescinding their decision about Biden and Harris. However, owing to their “acknowledgment that the president deserves a trophy of some kind, even just for participating,” Meadows says that TIME agreed to give Trump his own award this year, solely for him. The new award will be awarded in an issue of TIME next week.

“They’re going to name him, officially, the Sore Loser Crybaby Bitch of the Year,” Meadows said, his voice dripping with adoration for his boss. “Proving once more that this man just knows how to win. It’s incredible. Whether it’s running a casino, or stealing an election with the Supreme Court and lawyers straight out of the Confederate army, this guy is a damn winner! That’s why everyone on the left hates him so much; he just wins so very hard.”

Last month, Biden defeated Trump in a hotly contested election. After the votes were counted, however, Biden had beaten Trump both in the popular vote count, and in the all-important Electoral College. Biden’s margin of victory there was the same as Trump’s. Mr. Trump has yet to concede or stop baselessly claiming Biden’s vote count was illegally inflated. Notably, Trump has offered the same level of evidence for his claims of election fraud as he did that President Barack Obama was born in Kenya.

“The president has put in four long, hard years pretending to work on behalf of 25% of the American people,” Meadows explained, “and he deserves recognition for all the tweets, all the insults, and all the lies. I mean, my God, do any of you realize how great a liar he is? He’ll go down in the record books for the most lies told by any president ever, and how many of you are covering that like the GREAT news that is! I remember when Americans, no matter their political party, agreed that it’s a good thing when an American sets any kind of record, whatsoever.”

Look for the Sore Loser Crybaby Bitch of the Year edition of TIME out on newstands some time next Smurmsday.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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