Country’s Biggest Shit Wants Nationwide Toilet Probe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The biggest, smelliest, and dumbest fecal-human hybrid in the country wants the FBI, CIA, and local police organizations throughout America to investigate its citizens’ toilets. The turd in question also happens to be the President of the United States, and as such often has to opportunity to opine on any number of subjects, which is how the nationwide toilet probe first got reported on.

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Speaking to reporters during a business roundtable meeting in the Roosevelt Room of the White House, President Turd McPooperson, aka President John Barron, aka President David Dennison, aka President Donald Trump, told the media he was gravely concerned about how many times Americans have to flush their toilets. While it’s not clear at this time what sent the massive poop in an ill-fitting suit into his tirade on plumbing, he said that the Environmental Protection Agency is, at his shit-smeared behest, investigating the situation. President Crap never mentioned the state of America’s toilets or plumbing in his 2016 campaign, nor at any point during his first term thus far, but clearly something has agitated the walking, talking, dookie log about America’s toilets, and he’s not satisfied with what he’s heard so far.

“We have a situation where we’re looking very strongly at sinks and showers and other elements of bathrooms where you turn the faucet on — and in areas where there’s tremendous amounts of water, where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it, and you don’t get any water,” the President said during a roundtable with small business leaders about deregulatory actions. (CNN)

It could possibly be extrapolated from the words spewing forth from the turd’s mouth opening that he was referring to environmental standards on low-flow toilets. President Shit also mentioned his belief that in newly constructed structures in America, people “can’t wash your hands practically,” because of how little water comes out of the sink faucets. He asserted that “the end result is you leave the faucet on and it takes you much longer to wash your hands.”

“We have a situation where we’re looking very strongly at sinks and showers and other elements of bathrooms where you turn the faucet on — and in areas where there’s tremendous amounts of water, where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it, and you don’t get any water,” the President said during a roundtable with small business leaders about deregulatory actions. (CNN)

The living, breathing defecation is currently facing the very real prospect that he’ll become just the third man ever impeached as a sitting president. The president didn’t seem too concerned about his impending impeachment, however, when he was seen pacing the White House lawn this morning. He agreed to shout conspiracy theories and nonsense at reporters for a few minutes while a helicopter was preparing to take him to Arby’s, where he’d be bathed in Arby’s sauce and be allowed to swim in a giant vault filled with roast beef, like Scrooge McDuck and his money bin.

“I just want everyone to notice that I’m not distracted by this fake, hoax, evil, sham impeachment put on by Adam Schiff and Nervous Nancy Pelosi,” the anthropomorphized excrement told reporters. “I’m focused on what real American patriots want and need. We demand more water out of our faucets! We demand toilets that flush fully after one time! Why isn’t Nervous Nancy working with me on this? Because she’s afraid to drop her sham impeachment, that’s why! But I won’t rest until all the toilets in America are inspected.”

President Guano announced that he was sending his personal lawyer, who he called “Poo-dy Poo-liani” to emphasize how much this topic means to him and his administration, to personally inspect American toilets.

“I’m gonna tell Poo-dy to come home from Ukraine right away. I need him to personally probe every single crapper, john, and toilet in this great country,” he said, “and Poo-dy is the only one I trust to get the job done right.”

In a surprise development, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she was “actually relieved” to see the terribly spray-tanned stool sample focus his energies on America’s toilets.

“The fact of the matter is, he’s the biggest piece of shit in the country. And as a massive piece of shit, he would naturally have a wealth of insight into toilets,” Peolosi said while having a pancake breakfast at IHOP today. “Frankly, if anyone belongs in a toilet, it’s this turd and his turd lawyer. I say let him swim around every bowl in the country, if he has to. It might save us from some of his worst decisions and embarrassing moments.”

President Dookie indicated that he’d assign every major law enforcement and intelligence agency to follow-up on anything his lawyer uncovers.

“We cannot rest until we fix the toilet situation in this country,” the president said. “What kind of turd would I be if I didn’t put energy into the toilet emergency? Not a very good one, I’ll tell you that much. And anyone who knows me knows that I’m a good turd. The best turd, really. No turd has ever been a better turd than me. Write that down. Right now. Write that I’m the best turd ever, or you’re all fired from my country.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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