WASHINGTON, D.C. — A titanically stupid idiot, who happens to also be President of the United States for a little while longer, apparently, has been screeching incessantly about how he’s the only politician who can save America from socialism. The very same bloviating moron has repeatedly insisted that members of the opposing political party are “socialists” who will rob Americans of the very freedoms they hold so dear. He warns that government-owned and operated services for the people would be catastrophic for Americans, and he often insinuates, as do many of his fellow Republicans, that the Democratic Party just wants to institute an authoritarian, communist style regime.
Which is exactly why it makes so much sense, aides say, that this blundering buffoon enlisted the help of China, a communist authoritarian regime, to dig up dirt on his political rivals.
“No one is arguing that this man isn’t a gargantuan dipshit. No one is saying he’s smart, unless they’re paid by him or afraid of him,” one White House staffer told us. “But his argument is that it’s far more important for him to win the election at all costs, than it is to not be a flaming hypocrite on top of a kleptocratic, racist, trust fund reality-tv dickmonger and ask for help from a brutal authoritarian regime to consolidate power.”
President Says People Should Get His Permission Before They Tell The Public About His Multiple Abuses Of Power
Another staffer told us that it “makes total and complete sense” to “get the commies to help us defeat our own commies.”
“Sure, China is a communist country. Sure, they’re ruled with an iron fist and always having their human rights violated,” the source told us, “and yes, sure, socialism in one form or another has existed in the United States for a long time. And you know what? I can admit that the military is basically socialism because tax dollars pay the defense contractors and all the salaries of the enlisted and officers. But! And this is a big but, HEY LOOK OVER THERE!”
The source then hung up and wouldn’t answer our attempts to call back.
Our sources are telling us that at this time, it’s unclear whether the lying, corrupt, self-enriching, self-aggrandizing, white collar criminal and douchebag nincompoop in the Oval Office will ask other communist countries for help.
“All we know is that his personal Attorney General is rubber stamping the living hell out of every illegal and corrupt act he commits,” yet another White House staffer told us. “So if you had someone whispering in your ear that you were innocent, and that he’d protect you no matter how obvious your crimes were, would you stop?”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the big, dumb, fucking idiot himself doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. He was spotted coming out of the White House, walking like a gorilla, with his ass end protruding outward. Awkwardly, he stopped and shouted at reporters while he waited for a helicopter to take him to one of his golf courses on the taxpayers’ dime.
“I JUST WANTED TO COME OUT HERE AND SCREAM AT YOU FOR A FEW MINUTES, BEFORE I GO GOLFING AND TWEETING CONSPIRACY THEORIES FROM THE DRIVING RANGE,” the dopey diarrhea stain howled, “AND LET ME JUST SAY RIGHT NOW: CROOKED HILLARYBENGHAZIJOEBIDENCORRUPTIONNOCOLLUSIONBOBMULLERANGRYDEMOCRATSCHUCKANDNANCYAOCPLUSTHREESECONDAMENDMENTTWOCORINTHIANSIWANTTOFUCKMYDAUGHTERSBRAINSOUT.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.