WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has issued and official presidential demand to the executive board and shareholders of Japanese automotive company Toyota, ordering them to “immediately and without any delay” produce a vaccine for the “Corollavirus.” The president announced his demands in the Oval Office between bites from his sampler tray of Bic Macs, KFC, and Berder King Whoppers.
“This is the kind of leadership I know the country wants from their favorite president,” Trump said as he told reporters about contacting Toyota. “As soon as I found out we were dealing with the Corollavirus, I knew without any doubt what I had to do. So I got out a big stack of paper, grabbed my favorite crayons, and I wrote them a very sternly worded letter, demanding they immediately and without any delay come up with a vaccine and cure for this virus. I won’t allow an outbreak of entry-level priced sedans on my watch!”
Trump told reporters he owed the country an apology for “getting everyone worked up over the wrong virus” last week.
“This is will probably come as a huge shock to everyone, because this has literally never happened before, and will literally never, ever, ever happen again,” Trump said, “but I was wrong! I had the name of the virus wrong! I personally think it’s because everyone kept saying it wrong to me, but, what can I say? I was wrong. This Corollavirus is the one we should all be concerned about.”
The president has already directed Vice President High Priest Mike Pence to “change gears and shift focus” to the Corollavirus.
“We’ve told our prayer network volunteers to immediately begin praying for an end to the Corollavirus,” Pence would tell reporters later. “We just hope we haven’t jammed God’s phone lines with requests to protect us from the wrong virus already. But that doesn’t mean we’ll stop praying for an end to the scourge of Corollavirus. We won’t rest until God personally answers our prayers.”
President Trump said he “should have had more suspicions” about the Corollavirus, given that Toyota is based in Japan.
“I think the confusion came from the fact that coronavirus started in Asia, and I’m told that Japan is also in Asia,” Trump said with a shrug. “I don’t know; I have nerds with maps to know those things. But, I probably should have had more suspicions about Corollavirus, given that it’s also from Asia. Again, I want to and will blame everyone around me who kept saying the other word, but in some regard I have to take the blame. I will make up for it by attacking this sonofabitch Corollavirus harder than I’ve attacked anyone or anything before. Ask Rosie O’Donnell how afraid of me this Corollavirus should be. I’m gonna bully it so hard on Twitter!”
It’s unclear at this time what Toyota’s response will be to Trump’s demands. The automotive company’s executive board has reportedly not received the official communique from the White House, and have given no indication what they will do once they receive it. On the Hill, one of Trump’s most vociferous defenders heaped praise on the president for his “bold and decisive actions.”
“He didn’t wait. He didn’t hesitate – you know, what hang on a second,” Congressman Devin Nunes said, temporarily taking the president’s dick out of his mouth. “Ah, better. Anyway, I can’t say enough about the bold and decisive actions our Dear President took this morning. He didn’t wait for socialist media opinion polls. He got it in his Toyota was to blame, and he took action. He’s a real hero. I love him. I want to literally be him one day. I go to bed every night hoping I’ll wake up as Donald Trump, tiny, mangled mushroom dick and all.”
Nunes returned Trump’s phallus to its natural resting place and the president gave him a loving tap on the forehead.
“He’s a good one,” Trump sighed as he relaxed into his chair, “Devin’s a good one.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.