WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to several sources close to the scene, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) spent ten complete, full minutes shouting, “SHOW ME THE BENGHAZI” directly into FBI Director Christopher A. Wray’s and Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein’s faces following a five hour, extremely contentious congressional hearing yesterday.
Over the course of his tenure in the House of Representatives, Gowdy has ingratiated himself with both elected and rank and file members of his own party thanks, in part, to his willingness to be extremely tough on witnesses during hearings. Yesterday he gave conservative media plenty of sound bytes to run with when he assailed Rosenstein and Wray over a recently released Inspector General’s report that exposed some personal political biases against President Donald Trump among FBI agents who were working on Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian interference and/or collusion with the Trump campaign during the 2016 election season.
Mr. Mueller quickly dismissed two of the agents at the center of the controversy from his team when it was brought to his attention inappropriately biased tweets were sent between them, before the report was published.
“Apparently ol’ Trey just wasn’t done chewin’ up Rosenstein and Wray’s asses,” Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) told reporters about the incident.
Paul had been lecturing a nearby group of teenagers on the importance of remembering all taxes are theft, but that since his salary is paid with taxes to keep right on thieving and he’d pretend to be outraged by it when he came upon the three ment in the parking lot, he said.
“Because after the hearing ended, he followed Rod and Chris out to the parking lot of the rotunda,” Paul said, “and he just got all up in their grills. Started shouting SHOW ME THE BENGHAZI at them at the top of his lungs.”
Gowdy was one of two prominent Republicans to lead years’ long, multi-million dollar inquiries into the September 11th, 2012 terror attack on a U.S. consular building in Benghazi, Libya. Right-wing conspiracy theories have held for years that then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ordered military assets to stand down instead of helping American personnel during the attack. However, despite Gowdy’s investigations into the incident, no evidence to substantiate any claims of malpractice on Clinton’s part ever surfaced.
“I screamed that at them because I want them to understand this whole Trump/Russia thing ain’t no Benghazi! It ain’t never gonna be no Benghazi,” Gowdy explained to reporters later, “and they need to either have Mueller show us the Benghazi or we gotta end this charade of a farce!”
Gowdy explained that the only investigations that are “legal and American” are those run by Republicans on Democrats and over “theories and hypothetical, completely comically nonsensical bullshit.” The Mueller investigation, having already produced several guilty pleas from former Trump campaign officials, as well as indictments on them and Russian nationals, has already borne more prosecutorial fruit than anything Gowdy oversaw, and he says that proves it has “real legitimacy outside of Republican Land.” Mueller’s probe is therefore “illegitimate, wrong, treasonous and needs to end right now,” Gowdy insists.
“We can’t be having real investigations turn up real evidence of real crimes! This is Congress, and we’re Republicans,” Gowdy said. “We need myth, lies, rumors, and theories! Facts are for liberal commie socialist cucks, I tell you! We cannot call ourselves America if we’re going to take the time and resources to thoughtfully investigate real scandals and presidential crimes when we should be fixating on the stuff we wish was true, fam!”
Mr. Rosenstein and Wray were not available for comment as they were in a Deep State Planning Commission meeting, according to their secretaries.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.