FT. CONFEDERATE, ALABAMA — Yesterday, President Donald Trump visited the State of Alabama in the wake of a series of absolutely harrowing and devastating tornadoes. Trump tweeted last week that he’d directed FEMA to give Alabama “A-plus” treatment, and visiting the state was a top priority for him as soon as his bone spur swelling went down enough for his spine to grow back.
During his visit, Trump was seen greeting survivors and their loved ones. Perhaps in a bit of a peculiar development, while in an evangelical church, Trump was seen taking bibles from people and autographing them. Reportedly, one such bible has already been sold on eBay for an astounding $666. Today, we learned that while Trump was signing another Alabaman’s bible, he asked her for her a review of it.
“Hey, lemme ask you something sweetheart, since we’re both here and I’m signing this thing for you,” Trump said to the woman. “Is this thing any good or not? It’s super heavy, has a lot of words, and no pictures. I didn’t even know you could have a book without pictures, but apparently you can? I think we may have to look into opening up those laws though, because it seems unfair to people named Trump to expect them to read words. Don Jr. hasn’t read a single word all by himself his entire life, and he dictates his tweets to a chicken we get drunk and have just peck the keys, because that chicken is technically smarter than he is.”
Trump swirled a silver sharpie over the cover of the bible, inscribing it with his signature.
“I’ve always meant to read the thing,” Trump told the white evangelical Christian woman in front of him. “I just never had the time. And again, NO PICTURES in the whole thing! I mean, who am I to second-guess God, right? But then again, I’m the president and he’s not, right? So, hey, maybe God, if that’s even his real name, should take a couple pointers from me. I am pretty much considered, and people who I promise to pay money to always are telling me this, one of the most bestest communicatoring people out there.”
The woman started to reach out for her bible, but Trump just kept talking to her for some reason.
“Marketing genius, they tell me, all the time. Well, stable marketing genius, always stable. Very stable. Make sure you go home and tell all your friends and family,” Trump said, jabbing his finger in the direction of the woman’s face. Had it been longer, he may have poked her nose. “Okay? Stable. Marketing. Genius. And at any rate, I really think God should consider putting a couple pictures in there.”
“Ooh! Oooh! You know Ivanka, can I call you Ivanka? I find that if I just call every female Ivanka it works out really well for me because I have to remember way fewer names,” Trump said. “Anyhow, Ivanka, you know that magazine, Playboy? Great magazine. I gave Hef the idea to do it, actually. Don’t look that up. But I did. He’s dead so he can’t deny it, just remember that. Anyway, God should go that route. Put in maybe some pictures of fine ladies, shall we say, other Ivankas, if you will. That would spice up sales, I bet.”
Trump just kept going.
“Does the bible even sell that well to begin with? I bet it doesn’t sell as many copies as my book,” Trump wondered. “Anyway, Ivanka, they tell me, I think it’s in Two Corinthians, that praying is like calling up God on the phone. Maybe next time you pray you ask if God wants me to go ahead and make an official Trump Bible with naked ladies in it. Just you know something he should consider.”
Finally, the president handed the woman back her bible. She would later tell reporters she’s now “a bit undecided” in the 2020 race, and will see if the Republican Party puts up any primary challengers before she commits. President Trump was still signing bibles.
A small child handed him her youth edition bible. Trump’s jaw dropped. He started turning around and showing everyone in his Secret Service detail and personal entourage the bible. It had pictures in it. Lots and lots of pictures.
“Sweetheart, do you mind if I keep this, you don’t mind,” Trump asked and answered himself in one run-on question. “I’ll send you an autographed copy of my book in the mail. Give your address to this guy here, okay? You’ll like it way more than this, and I promise you’ll learn a lot. I know I did when they told me the guy I paid to write it for me was done. Okay, vote Trump, you have no choice, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Trump was ushered away out of the church, and into an awaiting limousine. The White House estimates the president will have completed reading the picture book bible by the end of his first presidential term, or hopefully, his permanent prison term.
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.