FARTS-A-LOT-THOUGH, FLORIDA — Last night, according to the scoreboard, the Houston Astros lost Game 1 of the 2021 World Series to the Atlanta Braves. The official final score had the Braves with three runs to the one run scored by the Astros.
According to a certain one term, twice forever impeached former president, however, the Astros “clearly really, really won” the game.
“If you go by the fake news, so called ‘official’ scoreboard, the Astros did not win. However, using MAGA rules and the beautiful Electoral College — have I mentioned that I won that in a landslide? — the Astros not only clearly really, really won last night; they already won next year’s World Cereal as well. Did you notice how they kept counting the Braves runs after they were scored, no matter how much Astros fans demanded they stop? SHADY!”
Trump blasted the “weak and cowardly umpires” for not “doing what had to be done” to ensure the Astros were declared the winners.
“It seems to me, that regardless of how the score looked at the end of nine innings, that there were a lot of MAGA type Americans who were disappointed. I keep trying to tell everyone that when MAGA people want something in this country, they get it, but I guess the cucks in the umpire’s office didn’t get my memo.”
Former President Trump demanded that Major League Baseball “immediately fix” the score for last night’s game. The Braves should be stripped of their victory last night, and the Astros should be declared the winner, despite the fact that at least three more games need to be played in order to determine a winner, according to the rules established by MLB’s postseason, Trump reasoned.
“Quite frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if we see a bunch of angry Astros fans storming the field, insisting their team actually won. Wouldn’t surprise me at all, really, and I kind of hope that happens,” Trump hinted.
The Office of the Commissioner of Baseball politely declined Trump’s demands in a brief statement.
“LMAO. No, and go fuck yourself,” MLB’s statement reads in its entirety.
MLB and Trump could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.