Tuesday, May 30, 2023

Trump Demands States Only Tally Biden Votes as High as His Base Can Count

PEWP’S PASS, PENNSYLVANIA — There are just a matter of hours before Election Day, but that doesn’t mean President Donald Trump is about to let up on his reelection bid. Today, the president is crisscrossing several key, swing states, attempting to battle what polling data seems to show his slipping chances at being given another try at presidenting. Perhaps because he is sensing that all his theatrics, demands, and complaints about the election process this time around isn’t working, or perhaps due to some other motivating factors, this morning, Trump demanded that counties all over America change the way they count cast ballots.

Specifically, the president demanded that the vote counting stop as soon as votes for Joe Biden exceed the number that Trump supporters can count to.

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“It’s just simply not fair if Sleepy Po Peepy Biden gets a number of votes that my supporters can’t even imagine,” Trump said. “They should stop counting Biden votes as soon as his number gets to where my supporters, my beautiful MAGAs, can’t count to.”

Trump estimates that the highest number that his supporters can “compute and understand” would be roughly 20-22.

“Some people have more or less toes or fingers, you see, depending on how closely related to their mother their father was,” Trump explained. “So if you ask me, and as president you are literally legally required to ask me, Biden’s votes shouldn’t count after twenty five. If my people have shoes on, or their zippers up, then that number goes down a little bit.”

Although winning the national popular vote doesn’t guarantee a presidential victory, Trump is particularly concerned with “not just winning the Electoral College this time.” He also is quite aware, sources say, that winning the popular vote in more states than Biden wins could be a path to victory. That’s why he’s focused on making sure ballots cast for his Democratic challenger do not get counted past the point that his supporters can count to.

“What happens when one of my beautiful MAGAs asks me how many votes Biden got, and when we tell them they don’t even process that as being a number,” Trump asked. “Remember, these are people who think $750 in taxes is paying a lot. So very clearly we have to protect them from seeing things they’re just not prepared to see, like numbers in the thirties, forties, or beyond!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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