WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though White House lawyers are still confirming if it would be legal to do so, President Donald Trump announced today that his family company would be making an offer to acquire Google and bring it under the Trump brand.
The president indicated that purchasing Google would enable him to ultimately “defeat” them.
“With my business savvy, I’ll have Google out of the way in six months, tops,” Trump bellowed as he opened his fifth Diet Coke of the hour. “Mark my words, between me and my kids, we’ll run Google the right way. The Trump Way.”
The president has already thought of business plans that he says will “maximize and emphasize the Trump Way of doing business.”
“We’ll make Google the Trump Steak of search engines,” Trump said proudly. “It’ll be the Trump Bottled water of news aggregation. Or the Trump Taj Mahal of information retrieval!”
Mr. Trump promised to step away from his companies while in office, and he says that acquiring Google will not violate that promise.
“I’m not having anything to do with this,” Trump said solemnly. “That’s what I have my good friend John Barron for. He’ll handle it for me.”
Some wondered aloud how Trump will put together the money to buy Google. Current market estimates are that the tech titan is worth over a hundred billion dollars. Trump decided to forego disclosing his tax returns, as nearly every candidate has done since the middle of the 20th century, so exact estimates of his net worth are even harder than they’d be with that information. However, Trump assured the American public he has more than enough cash to buy Google.
“Trust me, I have the money, I’m good for it,” Trump said, attempting to sound very sincere. “I always pay my debts; just ask the people who have built my buildings for me! Really, I’m like, super-duper rich. Just ask my accountant, Tonald Drump!”
Reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was initially “outraged and incensed” that a sitting president would attempt to personally buy and manipulate a private company to force them to only say nice things about him.
“Wait, Trump’s still saying he’a Republican though? Oh, well, everything’s fine then,” McConnell said, ignoring a pool of flaming diarrhea he was standing in at the time. “This is all totally normal and fine and will have absolutely zero downstream effects we should be worried stiff about.”
Google did not respond to requests for comment.