WASHINGTON, D.C. — The days are growing shorter, and Donald Trump’s legal team is growing more and more desperate to overturn the election results. Despite not presenting any credible evidence either in court, or to the media, attorneys Rudy Giuliani, Jenna Ellis, and Sidney “Rat-Faced Scarecrow” Powell all insist that enough of it exists, somewhere, to throw out the election, and leave Trump in power, and not former Vice President Joe Biden. According to several sources with knowledge of the situation, the Trump campaign’s high-priced lawyers are now taking magnifying glasses and fine-toothed combs to the Constitution, desperately searching for a particular clause.
“The president’s team believes that if they can find the Stamping Feet and Holding Breath clause in the Constitution,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters in the briefing room today, “and that when that clause is found, the Supreme Court will have no choice but to throw out every single vote the president doesn’t want to have counted, and that means he’ll win, fair-like and square-ish.”
While it’s true that Trump did receive more votes than any sitting president in history, he still was outvoted by around five million Americans’ ballots, and that number could increase as vote counting wraps up. Trump’s legal team has only won one case they’ve brought so far, and while Powell has intimated a vast, global conspiracy to cheat Trump out of a win, she’s yet to present any proof for it, and according to McDitzydick, that’s making the president a little nervous.
“Obviously President Trump would have preferred the courts to rule that he has unlimited power and can deny the results of the election if he wants,” McEnany argued, “but he also realizes at this point he needs a backup plan, and that backup plan is to stamp his feet, cross his arms, hold his breath, and put his fingers in his years if he has to. That’s how much he’s committed to pretending he’s popular and well-liked by the electorate at large.”
Should the president lose all his planned legal challenges, he has one more plan in his hip pocket, McEnany said.
“The president has indicated he may invoke the Hurt Feelings Clause of the Confederate Constitution of America,” McEnany said,”and he’s prepared to ask the Supreme Court to consider that constitution for the first time ever, showing once more how willing he is to fight for certain white Americans’ vision for this great country.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.